From being just a little cutie-pie kid, I always talked every ear off in the room. I did not care if I sounded annoying or if I made people get headaches. And I low-key wish I was still like this. Middle school and high school was a breeze, I could talk to anyone and everyone. I never cared what anyone thought of me, (as I still don't now) because all that matters is what I think.
Crowds are seriously my thing. I can speak in front of them, I can cry in front of them, I can make a fool out of myself in front of them. I do not care because I am probably having fun. I love being around large groups of people and I can be very outspoken.
But...recently...I have noticed my amount of social anxiety with small groups of people. You think it would be the other way around right? Welp, not for me. I think it is because there is more of a focus on me and my words and actions. But the worst part is, I experience this anxiety with people who are closest to me.
One of my biggest "flaws," which sometimes I have a hard time recognizing it as a flaw or blessing, is that I have a ginormous heart. Maybe it will keep my around longer, but it sure as hell has not been helping me socially. I am too nice to people. I have seriously become a door mat for everyone to walk on.
Need someone to give you a ride? Just ask me, because I will most-likely say yes weather I am laying on the couch or having the busiest day ever. Change your mind 50 million times about plan times and location? Eh, I do not care, because I just want you to be happy.
Why am I like this? No, seriously. Why?
I care so damn much about making other people happy and comfortable that I forget my own feelings and emotions.
I seriously can let people turn me into a puppet, pulling my strings and controlling me. This is not cool.
I worry too much about other peoples' happiness that I forget if I am even happy.
This is my social anxiety because I overthink every single thing I say and do to close people. I ask myself, "If I ask this person for gas money, will they stop being my friend?" I could seriously sit with someone and be thinking in my head, "Is this person even my friend?"
Stop letting people control your happiness.