Before I start my final piece on my four part series of Elise's Soul Food: Are You Living Loved, I would like to warn those of you who may have been looking forward to reading another lighthearted article, this is not the case. The following is a summary of my testimony of my struggles for over the past year and a half that I am willing to share, and not only is it a personal matter, but it is a serious matter. I have had it to my wits end with letting myself become consumed with the concerns and opinions of people in my life, and letting that define my emotions, my moods, and my will to be happy. I am now opening up a part of myself that I have been trying to hide for so long, dark and sad as it may seem, it is the truth, it is my truth, and I am now going to let it out.

You see, people love to think of me as a very bright and optimistic person, always happy, and laughing, and smiling... thriving. I always seem to be doing something positive and impressive, starting in high school. I was the teachers pet, I was that person that asked a thousand questions and wasn't ashamed to ask the "dumb questions" because I was taught that no question is a dumb question, I was the one who seemed to be friends with everybody, everybody knew me or knew of me, I was captain of the volleyball team, Vice President of National Honors Society, close to the Assistant Principal, and always used as one of the people who would talk to people in lower grades because I was a prime example of what they should be doing and should hope to have achieved by the time of graduation.

Going into college at The University of North Carolina at Greensboro, I have been perceived as the smart black girl in honors who seems to know everybody and to always have her shit together, independent and motivated. As a freshman getting into International Honors and Alpha Lambda Delta, another honors society for freshman who got above a 3.5 GPA their first semester in college, as part of your 2018-19 Spartan Orientation Staff, as a writer for the Odyssey. And yes, that is how I would like to be portrayed, quite frankly, that is my ideal sense of self and what I strive to be, always on the move onto bigger and better things, academically driven, focused, motivated. However, things are not always as they appear.

Behind closed doors this seemingly perfect black girl has been a wallowing mess...stressed, tired, sad, alone, alienated, frustrated, overwhelmed, confused, anxious, and depressed. The girl that gets all A's and posts the most extravagant places and experiences or exciting new opportunities, the girl that seems to have it all together, academically, socially, spiritually. The sad truth is that this girl has dealt with the very same issues as a majority of people have in our society, in particular, teens and adolescents...insecurities, self-esteem issues, validation issues, trust issues, relationship issues, even questioning my faith.

Up until the middle of my first semester of my senior year in high school all of the positive traits that are perceived of me have been true, they have defined me... Well, things hit the fan when I got my first boyfriend my senior year. Yep, that's right, my life turned to shit starting with a boy. Now, those who knew me in high school would probably read this and be shocked. I was never the girl who always had a "boo" or was boy crazy. My life had always consisted of school and volleyball, which I played year round. I had always been at volleyball practices and traveling across the country to volleyball tournaments, doing my school work in advance to get ahead of my seemingly busy schedule. My social life was nonexistent.

Well, when I found that boy he became the only thing that mattered to me. I started to skip class, and lie about my whereabouts to my parents about being with friends when in all actuality, I was with this boy. I started to associate with people that were not good for me. When club volleyball came around I found myself deciding that it wasn't worth it to play club ball because the team I would have played for wouldn't have had enough talent to even compete against each other at practice, nevertheless at a actual volleyball tournament.

This was already after ending my senior volleyball season with a divided team and devastated losing to a school we had previously beat multiple times that same season in the second round of playoffs. However, at that point I was not too upset because I knew that my volleyball career would not be over. I was committed to Johnson and Wales at Charlotte for volleyball and was going to major in culinary to start my track of my lifelong dream to be a food critic.

After spending a weekend at Johnson and Wales at Charlotte taking culinary classes as if I were an actual student, I realized that I actually didn't want to major in culinary. It was necessary to do what I want to do, and versus spending $40,000 plus dollars on a school where I was unsure if I wanted to do culinary, I could attend a cheaper state school majoring in the field that I have always wanted to pursue. Inevitably, I ended up deciding that JWU was not for me, and emailed the volleyball coach saying that I was de-comitting from her team. That was by far one of the hardest decisions I had to make at that point in my life, and was it worth it, well, only time will tell.

I began to do my research on state schools that had hospitality and tourism as a major, getting the idea from one of my favorite teachers in high school, shout out to Mrs. Osteen, my Hospitality and Tourism Teacher my senior year. I ended up finding a medium-sized gem, UNCG, and after taking a couple tours I fell in love. I knew that UNCG was the place for me, and thank God I liked the school, because it was literally the only four year college/university at that time in North Carolina that had Hospitality and Tourism as a Major.

At the beginning of my second semester of my senior year I applied now to my second school, The University of North Carolina at Greensboro, as well as The University of North Carolina at Charlotte and Hampton University as backups, and with God's grace I got into all of these institutions! There were so many people who came up to me puzzled, asking me why in the world would I turn down playing collegiate volleyball to go to a third grade public institution such as UNCG. They thought that someone as intelligent as I could go anywhere, like to the Chapel Hills of the World or Dukes, over even to Harvard like my oldest sister: coaches, parents, acquaintances, peers, fellow athletes, personal trainers, teachers, and my response to them would be, "This is the path I have chosen, UNCG has my major and my heart, and to be honest, whether you agree with my decision or not it doesn't change the fact that it is my choice, and I choose to go to UNCG."

Since making the choice to attend The University of North Carolina at Greensboro I have broken up with my first boyfriend, fallen in and out of love with somebody who I thought was "the one", been betrayed in ways that one could only see with their own eyes to believe it or not, by my "best friend" in high school at the time, as well as even my first semester at UNCG by friends who I thought would be my ride or dies for the next four years of my life, lost family members, been tested and tried, been abused physically as well as emotionally. There have been times over this past year and a half that I have been in such a low and dark place that I have even thought of ending my life, not being able to see past the negativity in my life, only focusing on what was going wrong in my life, all I had lost, and all I was sure to lose.

However, I truly believe that it is in these times that we are at our lowest, God is most present. If I'm being completely honest, the things that I used to think were "the end of the world" were nothing compared to the shit I've been through over the past year and a half. From my senior year in high school to now, a Freshman trying to finish strong at the close of her second semester in college, I have been through so much... loss, betrayal, rejection, heartache, depression, and as all of these things seemed to keep piling up, as if no matter how hard I tried to fix them or ignore them and move on, something kept pulling me back into that dark place.

It seemed as if no matter how hard I tried to do good and be good, I would always find myself in trouble, hurting loved ones, losing the trust of my parents and sisters, building up barriers and shattering relationships with the people I love the most. It is only by Gods grace that I am still alive to this day, moving and grooving, with a new mindset and finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You see, it was not seeing myself in this dark place that made me want to get out, but it was seeing how my tears and pain and heartache affected my family, the people who I love the most, that I knew something had to change.

My parents took me to church at the end of last year as we were all broken and at some of our lowest points in life. At the end of the service the pastor asked us all a question, "if you were to die right now, do you think you would go to heaven? If you were unable to raise your hand I want you to pray this prayer with me...Now, if you prayed that prayer would you please come down the ails to me and allow me to show you why you are going to heaven?"

As I was listening to my pastor's sermon, sitting in between my mom and dad, I was bawling, the whole time. I was a complete mess. At the time I didn't think that I was going to heaven, how could I, after all the shit I had done and all the pain and heartache I had endured and caused, I didn't think I deserved to go. I knew though that if I didn't get up and go to him, I would only be digging a bigger hole for myself. So, I pulled myself up, walked out of the row, wiped away my tears, put aside my pride, and I walked down that aisle.

The following was a loud applause of my fellow church goers who knew that this was the best thing I could have ever done. Now, what my parents were doing during this time I will never know, but I know for myself I was uncontrollably crying and taken to a small room with other people who did not think that they were going to heaven, and one of the church Deacon's said to us, "it is written in the bible, those whole call upon the name of the lord, shall be saved." You see, it's not about one sin being worse than another, God had his only son, Jesus, die on the cross for all of our sins so that we as humans and sinners, would all still be able to know that when our time is up we should not fear, because we will start our new life with God in heaven, where there is no more pain, and no more sadness, only joy and happiness.

Hearing the Deacon say I was saved, despite all of the shit my family and I had endured, led me to shedding even more tears. However these were not tears of sorrow, these were tears of joy. The first thing I did when I got out of that room was find my dad, my mom was in the restroom, and gave him the biggest hug. I just kept apologizing for everything and all of the pain I had put him and mom, and our whole family through. And you know what he said, he said, "I know, I know, it's okay, I forgive you, we're gonna be okay." I never thought in a million years that after being such a disappointment to my parents that I would ever be able to make my parents proud of me again.

It was a sense of relief, and I could just feel God's presence in that room with me, giving me the strength I needed to speak up and get out of that self procured pit of despair. Seeing my dad's face and tears made me realize how fortunate I am to live in a household with two loving parents and sisters who only want the best for me, who are educated, and have done everything in their power to give me and my sisters the best possible life we could have. It made me realize how selfish I had been to have been focusing solely on my own pain and what I did not have and had lost, instead of what I did have and those affected by my actions.

I have two parents and sisters who love me unconditionally and would die for me if need be, and the feeling is mutual. This article is dedicated to you, to my family: to my mom, my dad, my sisters. I love you all, and wouldn't be where I am today without each and every one of your unwaivering love and support.

Now don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of times today where I find myself starting to fall back into that deep depression and low place, but I refuse to allow myself to ever feel that worthless and hopeless again. I refuse to forget my creator and that his love for me is unwaivering and unconditional. My parents have provided me with the resources I need to overcome this depression, which I still face, therapists, psychiatrists, my dad has even taken me to Jiu Jitsu classes so that I could learn how to protect and defend myself if I were to ever find myself in another dangerous situation like that again.

I have realized that I have the most supportive parents and sisters ever, and their love will always trump our mini quarrels, and times of trials and tribulations. I am so thankful for each and every one of you for all that you have done and continue to do for me, as I know you each face your own struggles which you tend to put aside for my well being. I want to apologize for losing site of what really matters, which is you all. Family is everything, if you don't have family, and you don't have faith, what do you have? Material things can not satisfy what each and every one of us in this world desires. We all want to be loved and supported and understood, we all want to be trustworthy and to make a positive impact on this world.

In saying this, If opening myself up and sharing my testimony can help somebody else going through some of the same sort of trauma and problems, then I will, because I do not want anybody else to ever feel the way I have been feeling and have felt over this past year and a half. I am only 18 years old, a freshman in college, and although i'm technically considered an adult according to society, I am still a kid at heart, clueless to so much more that the world has to offer.

God has put each and every one of us on this planet for a reason, and my experiences in my life for a reason, as my mom always says, "everything happens for a reason, what God has for you, is for you, people are fickle, and you can't let people dictate your joy." My trials and tribulations have only worked to make me stronger and more secure in myself and what really matters in this life.

If you are dealing with depression and think that you are alone, I am here to tell you that you are never alone. I am here, I am a survivor, and I refuse to let this weight over my shoulders linger any longer. You are here for a reason. You deserve to live your life to the fullest and to enjoy everything that life has to offer. Do not become consumed in what may seem like the end of the world, do not allow yourself to dwell in that dark place. Open up your mind to a new perspective and light on life.

Realize that although you may think your life has no meaning and you are only hurting yourself, you are actually hurting those around you who love and care about you the most. And when it seems like nobody else is there do not lose hope, keep the faith knowing that God is always there and his love for you is unconditional and will last until the end of time. Stay uplifted. Keep moving forward. Have Faith. Live Loved.