Recently, I have been going out of my way to prevent myself from forming feelings for another person.

A guy will show interest in me and I'll keep him at an arms length or completely push him away because the slight chance of forming feelings terrifies me. I've become the one whose friends say "oh don't worry, she doesn't believe in feelings right now." And I don't get upset about it because I'm the one that started saying it about myself in the first place. So this week I wanted to write all about it. I was going to write all about how I learned to no longer care and how much easier it was making my life. That even though people close to me will tell me that not caring is a problem, I was okay with it. But then when I started to write, I realized that my problem wasn't that I don't care, but that in fact I care too much.

"You feel everything. Their pain becomes your pain because you care so much."

I have learned this defense mechanism over the years that when I am struggling or hurting to act like I don't care, that I really am just cold and closed off, in order to hide my pain. I've never wanted to appear weak to others, so what stops that the quickest? Acting like you don't care at all. And for the most part, I've gotten pretty good at it. Well that is until recently when my best friend called my bluff.

We had been talking about how people kept saying I was intimidating and how I can say "savage" things and act like I don't have a care in the world, until the topic of our friends was brought up. Recently, a few of our friends have been going through a lot and in all honesty, it has brought a lot of drama from their lives into mine. I've always been the person offering to listen when people are struggling and helping wherever I can, and I love being that person. But lately, I have also been going through a tough time in my own personal life and I haven't taken the time to work through it. So my best friend called me on it. She said, "You need to tell them you can't help them right now. That you don't need the unnecessary stress from their drama and you need to take care of yourself. You need to stop caring so much about everyone else and so little about yourself". And that was when it hit me.

"You need to stop caring about people who don't give a sh*t about you".

For as long as I can remember, I have always loved passionately and without caution, with every ounce of my being. If I love, I love deeply and because of that, my heart has been broken more than I would like to admit. But that's what can happen when I go out of my way to take care of other people. Whether it was my family or my friends, I would always run to help whenever they needed me and I have always loved that. I personally know what its like to feel like no one cares about you or no one is there for you. I've been through my own share of struggles, pain, and heartache. I understand the loneliness. And that is why I go out of my way to try and make sure my loved ones never have to feel that. But there has also been even more times where I avoided taking care of myself and my own struggles in order to help take care of someone else."You need to stop caring so much about people who don't give a sh*t about you." I bend over backwards to help everyone around me and never saw what was wrong with that. That was until she showed me, point blank, what I was doing. I was going out of my way to be there for people who wouldn't give me the same kindness and respect in return. People who truly just didn't really care about me, they just wanted my help through a tough time and then they were gone.

But I've also realized one last thing. That although I may care too much about people who may not care about me at all, I'm okay with it.

I'm okay with knowing that I care too much.

In knowing I pour everything I have into every aspect of my life.

In accepting that I will always look for the best in people even though I may be broken or let down when I don't receive the same love I give out in return.

So I am going to continue being the person who cares a little too much at times. In being the person who you can always count on to be there whenever you may need me. People go through enough terrible things in their lives, the least I can do is show them a little love and a helping hand.

"Stop thinking it’s better to care less or not care at all. The world needs more caring people; the world needs the soul inside of you."