Well shoot, this is not fiction. I have no goofy, off the cuff wacky tale for today. Nor do I have a moral to teach. I came to Odyssey writing only fiction. Yet, I constantly saw the other writers produce articles that were “letters” whether they be opened or unopened, mostly about dating. Stating the very important characteristics of staying strong. They talk of pain, perseverance and everything in between. These letter articles are great, but they're not my style. Then, I read one about me…
I have tried super hard to tell my life’s story as fiction. What does that mean? I take my life and I write about. I will take painful memories and turn them into good thoughts and morals. I am not one to take life that seriously, reality is what you make it. My autobiography is found in my fiction. I do not emote through actions but the written word. Ink and paper is where you’ll find my tears. I turn my life into wacky stories about a man who can turn cheese into hamsters, an octopus with knives for tentacles, a rainy day, an overcoat, or of first world problems. In writing I have only one motive, smiles. Smiling is the single greatest thing we as humans can do. If you smile you feel happy even if you are not. I smile everyday… even when I have nothing to smile about. I create stories with happy endings because my life is full of sad ones. I wanted to use my gift of writing to make others smile. Smiling is infectious. I smile at a stranger, they smile to a stranger, and soon we all have a happy day. All it takes is one smile. Its simple think of something happy and smile. Life is full of memories, and the trick to living a happy life is to value the joyful ones more than the sad ones. If you are not smiling then you are doing life wrong.
So, why are you not writing fiction now? I have no way of telling this story in a fictional way. I cried today, for the first time since my grandmother died (boy she loved her toast in the bathtub… it was only a matter of time). I never cry. As I wrote my tears are normally found in ink and paper. But I actually cried today. The smile left my face and was replaced with tears. Why? Great question. It was the Princess. Yes, there is a Princess in this story. I say Princess but more of an angel in my eyes. She was everything to me. My best friend, my confidant, and simply one of my favorite people on this earth. “She is the tear in my heart, the butcher with a smile” (Twenty One Pilots!).
Now long story short this crush did not pan out. I was finished, I lost my crush, my best friend and my Princess in one fatal move. Great way to start college, right? One of the crosses I bear in this life is being marginalized. For reasons I will not get into right now, I feel this way. Furthermore, there are many events in my life that prove it. Before you start, I’m not looking for sympathy. It just is, leave it at that. Okay? But that is the systemic problem. Then when the one person I thought would never place me in a corner did, I was crushed. Shattered is a better way to describe it. I’ll quote more song lyrics, “Pain is just an anchor, it never had control” (TFK).
This Princess is responsible for many bright memories in my life… also some of my darkest clouds. To say that we have a “complicated” relationship is fair. Our friendship has changed over the last year. From growing in high school, to strengthening in college, crippling with avoidance, almost dying out, the little flame sparked and flickered until it went out…
Darkness is the only thing left when a flame dies. Just because you keep piling wood on the fire, does not mean it will blaze. The flame went out, but I kept getting firewood. Eventually I stopped going out to get more. The pile was high enough. If there was going to be no flame then why do I keep bringing the firewood? A waste of time. A stupid waste of time! Emotional scars are the ones that cut the deepest, Princess. You really did a number on my heart. Your friendship was one of my most prized processions and suddenly it was gone.
Avid readers of my Odyssey page know about my infatuation with stars. The Princess was the one who introduced me to the stars. Just like the stars our relationship went dark, like a red star. The dimmest of all the stars. She was gone and I was left with a starless night. It took a while but I moved on. Found strength and persevered. Then gazing at the night sky of my life, she became a page turned. A chapter over and done with. A star that has burnt out.
Then I got your letter.
This Princess and I have written letters before. In a one-sided conversation. The letters were the small flickering flame in the night. Then with one little gust of wind, and just like my mailbox, there was nothing.
Then I got your letter. I cannot put this story into fiction because my tears were materialistic this time. The Princess wrote me a letter and I cried. The words she wrote re-opened my scars. She was my constant in my night sky. My North Star, navigating my life around the North. What do you think happens when the navigation star vanishes? Well eventually you move on. Forward is the only way to go. I do not know where North is now, so I’ll go east. Nothing was going right… So I went left.
Then I got your letter. It was after that red star started to burn a bit brighter. The Princess was back in my life. But it was my turn to avoid her. I was not ready for her again. She filled me with an anger that would not go away. An anger I hated. The anger about the Princess consumed me, changed me. I did not like it. So it was my turn to not give a damn about her.
Then I got your letter. Granted it was a bit late. But after an afternoon together. I tried my hardest to not talk for very long. Do not engage. Do not allow yourself to be hurt again. These themes repeated in my head. Do you think she knows? Do you think she has any idea? Of course she doesn’t, you never told her you dumb-head Mcbooger face. Do not engage.
I never stopped caring for the Princess. I worried about her form time to time. I prayed for her a lot. I stayed away to keep my distance. She changed me, made me more cautious. Taught me to keep my thoughts, feelings and emotions locked up and hidden. Because if you open yourself… people go away. Then I offered to drive her home.
I met the royal family. After the duke (her uncle) embarked on what felt like the twentieth hour of explaining fantasy football to me, I watched the princess among the members of her royal family. Then the anger left… The ball of fire, cramped inside my chest, the fury. I the anger that I hated. The feelings burning inside of me. The anger that made me angry at myself for being angry. It was gone. I just let it go. Once anger is let go then it’s truly gone. Suppressing anger is not the same as letting it go. Then I got your letter. The letter where you said that you made the wrong choice. The letter that brought the pain back. The letter that made me cry.
One thing is certain, the North Star is back in my night sky. The Princess and I are friends again. I am not marginalized in her eyes. She places me on a pedestal I do not deserve. As much as my God-given mission in this life is to make others smile. I cannot shake the feeling that hers is to make me smile. The smiler has got to have something to smile about, right? She makes my day in more ways than one and I am forever in her debt (quite literally, I owe her like twenty-five bucks).
To the Princess of my life… things are different. No one can change the past. We can only change how we perceive it. I will not be outside your window singing love ballads in the rain. Nevertheless, one phone call, I’m there with a box of tissues and a bag of gummi worms. Life is like a blank canvas, once a mark is made it cannot be eased. I can forgive the pain but I can’t forget it. Princess, I love you but I cannot act like nothing has changed. It’s no one person’s fault, in fact there is no blame to be given. You will always be a part of my story. You are on my canvas (by the way my elbow is not a canvas, Princess). The North Star is back in my night sky. It does not shine as bright as it used to, but it’s there. Like the North Star, you, Princess are a constant in my life. But that does mean I navigate towards the North anymore. There is a Princess in my life. She is a friend… a very good friend. She is my North Star. She is My princess and one of the reasons I smile. What's yours?