I am a girl with a monster inside of me.
But I am not scared of this monster.
In fact, this monster makes me the person I am today.
Let me tell you about this monster.
I am a girl, who ever since I was 9, has battled anxiety and depression.
I am a girl, who ever since I was 9, no one has understood me.
I am a girl, who ever since I was 9, I've wanted to be anyone else but me.
It's tough to deal with something like this. No one understands me, and I've grown to accept that. I get judged a lot. I get called a bitch. I'm annoying. I'm quiet. I'm boring. I used to let these things get to me. But if the people in my life can't understand me and who I am, then they don't deserve to be in my life anyways.
I don't want to be this person but I am who I am — so what can I do?
I can embrace it.
A lot of people complain about who I am because my depression takes over me in the blink of an eye. One second I'm laughing at a party and the next second I am sobbing because I think about what the monster is putting inside of my head.
I've lost a lot of friends because of this monster, and if I'm being honest, my friends today don't understand it and judge me for it.
My biggest problem is with my confidence. I am a low confidence person. I compare myself to others — it's an everyday, every hour ordeal. Everyone in my group always likes everyone else better than me because they are prettier, funnier, smarter, etc., etc. And that's okay. It's not something I like admitting, but I know it is what's true. I don't have friends that support me and what I deal with every day and that's okay.
I need me. And that's enough.
What are my thoughts every day?
"She's better than me."
"She's prettier than me."
"They don't want me here."
"She's annoyed with me."
"I don't want to be here anymore."
"I wish I could stop feeling this way."
"I'm so sad."
"I'm not worth it."
"No one likes me."
Everyday. And every day I fight those thoughts so I can be happy and be who I want to be.
I don't like being a depressed and anxious person. If I could be happy all of the time I obviously would want that more than anything in the world. But that's not me and it never has been.
However, I don't let these mental illnesses define me. Because, yes, they are a part of me, but I am not wholly them.
For the past 9 years, I've fought for myself. In my darkest times when I wanted to die or I wanted to starve myself to be skinny, I fought to still be here. I fought because I can't let this life God gave me go to waste. And in some ways it has. But I can't let it anymore. He gave me one life to live and I have to embrace it whether I am sad or happy or mad or anxious or depressed. I'm here because He wants me to be. He looked down on this Earth and saw a lack of love in the world and He brought me into it to help complete the lack.
I am me. And whoever loves me or whoever doesn't - does not matter. Because I am me. I have me. I love me.
And that's simply enough.