I guess I have been wanting to write this for a while now, but the words hadn’t been able to come to me or flow correctly until today. Today is the day that I can write something that is healing for me because I am sharing it with you. Today is the day I am expressing what happened when my dad passed away, and little things you should know about me so that if I am randomly crying in my room one night, you might know why.

So, background. Here is what happened.

April 21, 2016. Thursday. Semi-sunny day. Around 61 degrees. We took group photos that day for tennis, and Gracie just got elected to a DECA position. You can see, it was a pleasant afternoon. We were ready for our match against Mercer Island, almost knowing we were going to lose, but it was fine. My partner and I lost 0-6, two sets.

I get to my car, I get a text from my mom saying to call her once I got home, not thinking much of it. I get home, I am sitting in my car, embracing the warmth of the sun on the windshield, scrolling through my Instagram feed, when I am startled by someone tapping on my window. ‘What the heck,’ I thought, 'why is my neighbor here?'

She tells me to come inside and call my mom. I go inside, I call her, she doesn’t know what happened but she is on her way down to Oregon to see what happened to my dad. She said it could be bad, she didn’t know though. She was directed to go to the hospital down in that area.

We wait. And wait. Gabby and I are told to start packing overnight bags. Both of us are crying.

Another call. We are upstairs in the hallway between the bathroom and my room, with two neighbors with us, my mom on speaker.

“Dad isn’t going to be with us anymore.”

My heart sinks. I physically collapse to the floor, my eyes, full of ping pong size tears.

I cry for a good few hours, then I call friends, and soon enough my sister and I are surrounded by friends and neighbors, cooking us dinner, and our house starts to smell like a flower shop. I stay up until 3:30 that night to wait for my mom to get home. We all cry.

Friday was the next day, I cry a lot more. The days go on, and there are more flowers, more friends, more support for our family.

So what actually happened? My dad was on a fishing trip with a few of his friends, coming back on one of their private planes, going out of the Woodland airport. Now, we know that the accident occurred because with the weight of the plane, the amount of fuel that was put into the plane, and the length of the runway, the plane was not able to take off properly, and it landed in an embankment, killing my father. Shitty, right?

Since then, we have gotten an amazing amount of support from people that I didn’t even know existed. It’s been incredible. My life perspectives have been changed, and I am the person I am today because of the accident that happened, but also because of the amazing support from my family, my sisters, and my amazingly strong mother who I love so so dearly. When I say that she is my role model, I mean it 100%. I really don’t know how she does it.

So there is the story.

But there is still more to know if you want to understand the whole situation.

I am now part of this club. This stupid club that includes everyone who has lost their father as well. It sucks. I get it. But we are in it together.

The next thing I would like to say is the first thing that someone can do, is to not be weird. As strange as that sounds, I want you to still treat me like a human. I am going to talk about my dad because he was a huge part of my life. I am not doing it to make you uncomfortable about the fact that I lost my dad, I am not looking for an “I’m sorry,” but I am just talking about someone who was in my life who I had an outstanding relationship with, just like everyone else.

That leads me to my next point. I am going to cry at very random times, and it’s okay. In this case, I think the best thing for me, is to just let me be, or give me a hug. That’s all. If I want to talk, I will talk to you about it. If not, I won’t. Simple as that.

Little things make me cry. I can be listening to music and I will hear a Hootie and the Blowfish song come on and that’s what triggers it. I can be brushing my teeth and smell the scent of Colgate toothpaste and that’s what triggers me to cry. I don’t know what to say really, it’s weird.

One of my teachers told me that it’s like a blanket. Sometimes it is off, and its fine, almost like nothing happened. Sometimes, the blanket is heavy, and it makes you feel like you are trapped with no place to go, so you just cry. Either way, it’s fine, and I have friends that are supportive and that I know love me and will be there for me.

With this being said, I still listen to voicemails, look through old pictures, and even still have my dad’s old phone number on my speed dial, because that’s just something I will do. It’s probably something I will be doing for a long time because I miss my dad like no other, and it sucks, but it’s a reminder that he was such an important person in my life, and that will never be changed.

Dads weekend happened at WSU this semester. My friend was in my room a few nights before, and people were talking about dad’s weekend and what they would be doing. Then she goes, “I wish I had a dad," and because of this, because of that small statement, I said me too.

Me too.

Me too, I want a dad.

Me too, I want to spend a weekend with a person who I love so dearly. But I won’t be, I will be going home and spending time with my mom, my best friend, and that is fine too.

I hadn't had the strength to write this until my friend said that statement. I think I wrote this in around 30 minutes because everything just flowed, and it felt right. Here is my explanation. Here is what you need to know about what happened. And here is an explanation for who I am today. I’m sure I am missing something, but this was full free-flowing thought.

Thank you to everyone who has been with me for such a long time, who has helped me through everything I have been through, when I have been crying and when I have been laughing. Much love.