I hate making friends. And before you say that I'm such a heartless person or someone who thinks they're better than anyone else, I'm gonna stop you right there. I hate making friends because I know that they will leave.
It's the truth, guys. You may be shaking your head to this article telling yourself that you and your best friend will never stop being best friends, but you must know that life doesn't work like that. Life doesn't always let you keep the people you want to keep, and life sometimes takes those people away for no reason at all. One day, you're smiling and laughing uncontrollably on the floor holding your stomach while in tears, and the other, you're looking through your phone at all those memories you made with them. But it's just that. They will be nothing but a distant memory through Snapchat stories or pictures on your phone.
I came to college for a fresh start. I wanted to leave my "situational" friends behind back in high school. They were merely friends who I talked to in class or people that I had very very casual conversations with. And before you start going on about how I'm so mean for "abandoning" them, I didn't. Those "situational" friends I had...I tried to keep them as well. I initiated hangouts, I initiated those online conversations, but just like the other friends I've lost in the past, they merely faded away. Their names still pop up in conversation, and I still see their icons on social media, but there's no effort there. It's just mindless chatter. It's just small talk about the weather and wacky professors. There are no deep talks, there's no craving for that deeper conversation.
I came to college hoping that I'll meet better people. People with whom I can actually have a deeper relationship with. People I can actually talk to about my inner fears, my philosophies, my outlook, my perspective. People that can listen and offer their input and contribute their own thoughts into what I say or what they believe in. People I can trust. People that won't leave.
And I did meet those people.
But as friendships are, and as people are, nobody is a constant. People aren't constants. They're variables, they just appear in your life randomly. Almost by chance. Like a random dice being tossed in the air and a random number being put to rest and chosen. They may be in your life for just a few days, a few months, a few years, but after that time that they were meant to be with you, they leave. And as bad as heartbreaks go, losing a friend that had a deeper connection with you isn't something to just brush off. It is as bad as heartbreak. You feel as if a certain part of you fades away, the certain part of you that you gave to that person when you spent time together. And the feeling of realization that you know that you will never get that piece of you back. That you can't fix your broken heart if they're not still in your life.
I lost a good number of people here, and sometimes, I don't even know the reason why they had left. Maybe it was who I was, maybe they found a replacement, maybe they just got bored of me, maybe they lost the use of me. The list goes on and on, but one thing for certain is, I never got bored with them. I never once wanted to replace them with anyone else, because that's just not who I am and who I will ever be. I make friends not for the situation at hand, in front of me in the moment, no. I make friends because of who I see in them, of their personality, of how they see the world, someone who I can relate with, someone who got that something about them that nobody else has. And it is true.
Losing one friend makes you fear losing another. And that's totally normal. But life is too short to beat yourself up about why the people who left didn't stay. This is the time to cherish those who did stay, and who will remain to stay in your life.
I know that sounds super cliche and pretty much contradicts what I said in the beginning, but the truth is that people will leave. But NOT the ones who are meant to stay in your life. And when you meet them, you will know. You will have that gut feeling. Your heart will flutter a bit, and your souls will feel like its intertwining. You will know when you meet that someone(s), because that's when you'll believe in friendship again.
And it's not a bad thing.