I'm really excited about senior year, don't get me wrong. I'm excited to meet new people and do new things. I'm excited about my clubs and my apartment.
I get to learn about cancer this year. I get to do an independent research project. I just found out I made into the choir I wanted to be in. I'm leading small groups in Cancer Ministry. I'm leading a retreat. I want to join some theatre things. I'm taking dance.
I also have some fears. I'm not 100% sure what's next for me.
Last year I was really sure that I was going to go to med school. I was going to take the MCAT, do well, and go straight into med school and be a doctor. Spring semester last year, I grappled with the fact that I may not be competitive enough to apply to go straight in.
I took my MCAT, with so much other than the test on my mind, and while I didn't do horribly, I didn't do well enough to go straight in. I'm retaking the MCAT.
This summer I worked in a research lab, and I loved it. So much so that I'm wondering if I shouldn't think about doing research as my career. I'm wondering if I don't go to med school.
I feel like this is bad to be wondering about. I'm afraid of telling people that I don't know what's next. I'm afraid of their judgment.
I'm afraid of being alone. I'm single for the first time in 4 years, for the first time in college. I don't know how to be single. I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm excited to meet new people, but I'm also confused as to what I'm doing in this department. I'm afraid of having to be okay with myself.
I'm afraid of wasting this year. Of burying myself in school that I don't enjoy my time here. I'm also afraid of not doing well academically, so that's confusing.
Even with these fears though, I'm so excited. My excitement does outweigh my fear, even if I think a lot about those fears.
It'll be a great year, and I'm so ready for it.