This term, I have been spending the majority of my time researching in preparation of writing a paper that will act as my internship. It is about women in theatre, specifically women in leadership positions. Unsurprisingly, there aren’t many. The work I am doing is interesting and important, if a bit tedious. I genuinely enjoy immersing myself in interesting things and I wish I had more time to get a grander scope of the situations and people. There’s only one real problem, and it’s a pretty big one:

I have no time to spend with my friends.

This is my final term of my senior year, and I rarely see the people I enjoy spending time with. This takes FOMO, or the fear of missing out, to a new and interesting level for me.

I am used to spending the majority of my time on my own. I was raised as an only child and I have almost always had trouble cultivating and maintaining friendships, which can be difficult for people who want my friendship to understand. Alone is my comfortable state. However, I still want friendship, even if it’s not easy for me. The people whom I consider to be my friends are some of the most interesting and fun people I have ever met.

However, this term I have to focus on my internship. It is the only thing that stands between me and graduation. Alternatively, it is the great divide between second childhood and the beginnings of adult life. It is providing me with an invaluable education about women in theatre and what it takes to be a graduate student.

I want to spend time with my friends. I want to be able to take Stage Voice and Diction with them, have lunches and dinners with them, and hang out. I want to experience the life of a college student before it is gone forever. Instead, I feel like I have skipped a step and have already left it and them behind. I am not afraid of missing out on movies, tomfoolery, or whatever else it is they do. I am afraid of missing out on who they are as people. I am afraid of never getting to know them better. I am afraid of missing out on the friendship that we could have.

I mean, I do see them. I am a chorus member in the Term III musical, so I attend many rehearsals with them, but it is not the same. I can’t spend my time socializing with them as I would like, because rehearsals require focus. At least they do for me.

Perhaps I take things too seriously. I know that many college students benefit from a balance heavier on socialization and lighter on work. I know that prioritizing friendships over grades is a very human thing to do. However, I am not them and I am not that good at being a human unless someone needs me. I need to graduate more than I need to spend my last weeks being a college student. I need to learn and discover and marinate in ideas more than I need to cultivate friendships.

That may sound cold, but the truth is rarely warm. I miss them and I don’t want to miss out on them, but I cannot let my fear of missing out control my life any more than I could let my fear of not missing out control me last term.

Thus, I will work on my paper and live on coffee in the hopes that it will give my energy a turbo boost and I will be able to get ahead enough to help with paper plates. With luck and hard work, I’ll be able to spend at least my last week as an undergrad acting like a college student and enjoying time with the people I like.