Freshman Year Of High School:

I decided to write about depression and how I'm struggling to get through mine. I have been through a lot the past year. People tend to see me as a happy and a full of life girl. I was, but it has changed over the year. Of course I'm still smiling and happy, but I'm just covering up my tears, and I know people have it worse than me, but I still have troubles of my own. Life is a series of disappointments broken only by dark smells of depression. To me, my depression is all my fault, everything is my fault, I've no one else to blame. I never knew who would stay or leave, so I just pushed everyone away.

Fake smiling. I've done it for so long it's easier to deceive everyone, I'm used to being alone, ignored, and people leaving my life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to be happy with myself. And that if I can't be happy with myself, then nobody will ever be, and that makes me even more paranoid. I try so hard to keep myself together, but every grade, every family fight, every time I see her cry, every time… a string breaks inside of me, and I'm slipping, and I don't know if I want to hang on anymore. I guess I'm just exhausted, exhausted of being happy when all I want to do is cry. I know I'm going to smile like nothing's wrong, talk like everything's perfect, act like I'm living a dream, and pretend it's not hurting me. But it's like reading a book, to never go back over and over again, when you already know how it's going to end.

People think depression is sadness. They think it's crying or dressing in black. People are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of numbness. Being numb to emotions, being numb to lie. You wake up in the morning and just go to bed again. Day's aren't really days; they are just annoying obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them? Through medication, drinking and cutting. When you're depressed, you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day. That's what depression is, not sadness or tears. It's the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you get through, and make it from one day to the next.

Depression is like a giant black hole. After it pulls you in. you can't escape. So you spend countless nights crying yourself to sleep. You spend days in your room and feel like doing absolutely nothing. You're constantly hoping things will get better but also wondering if they ever actually will. The worst part? When you finally start to get happy again, depression sucks you back in, and you crash harder than before. It's an emptiness you feel at 2am. The tears you have with no meaning. A pain when you smile. It doesn't come alone, it brings its closest friends along. Scars on your body, the voice in your head one despises, but soon you learn to trust that it's the only thing you feel. It's a cruel punishment. There are no fevers or rashes, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious cancer. Like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door.

I was dealing with all this pain emotionally, mentally and physically, all I felt was guilt and shame. I decided to take it out on myself, I harmed myself. I was just depressed. I act like I don't care about anything but deep down it kills me. I've made mistakes in my life, I let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve. But, I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I know better next time and won't settle for anything else or less than I deserve. Honestly, I hold in a lot. When I'm upset, I really don't like to tell anyone. No matter how much anyone asks, the answer will always be, "I'm fine", even though it's not true. The worst time for me is that thing that happens right before I fall asleep. Every mistake I've ever made, every word I wish I hadn't said, every moment that made me cry rushes through my head, and all I can do about it is cringe and pretend it all never happened.

I remember back in 7th grade when I was younger and I learned about depression, anorexia, self-harm, and anxiety in health class. I would wonder how people came to that point, and I would think that I would never be any of those things. Yet here I am, 2 years later, sobbing at myself, about what a terrible person I am. When people ask if I'm okay, I respond with a simple "I'm tired", but in fact, I'm depressed. I tell them I'll be fine tomorrow, but I know I'll be worse. As time goes by, you get used to how your life has changed and how it is. When people that actually care or love you, you push them away because you can't tell if they'll leave or stay. You have trouble trusting people.

As I said before, people grasp on to anything to get them through the day, for me it's hope. I hold on to hope because it's the only thing I have left. I hope there is a better future for my family, for me, and for me to overcome this hurricane of sadness. Hope is something no one should let go of. No matter how hard things get for me, I know that that something good is going to come out of it. My mom has a different point of view. She has people to talk to, family and friends, she gets her anger and sadness out. I hold everything in, and to myself. I know it's not healthy, but who can I trust? No one. I'm terrified of the future and the unexpected. This may seem like a sad topic, but to me, it's reality and how life is. I've learned to just go with it, that maybe someday things will get better. Of course some people know I'm sad and I have problems, but they just know a small portion of my story. Obviously I may cry and talk, but they will never know the full meaning and understanding of what I'm feeling and thinking.