To My Aunt Joy,

So many things...so many things left to say, left to do- at least that's how I feel. To me, even though I know you are no longer suffering, you were taken too soon. It still doesn't feel real to me, I'm numb. You were such a big part of my life and now...you're just gone.

Birthdays, my graduation, my first job after graduating, holidays...they're all going to be different now. The first holiday we experienced after you passed was Easter. It didn't even feel like it was actually happening. We went out to eat because we felt like it would be too weird to have it at the house like we normally would; it would make it too obvious that you are no longer with us. It felt like I wasn't really there though, just going through the motions.

It bothers me, and I wonder if it does you too, how people are so careless with life and how they take it for granted. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always as safe as I should be and I've probably had days were I took being alive for granted, but no more. Life is such a gift and no one knows how long they have to be here on Earth, so why not make the most of every single day we wake up and are still here?

I'm thankful that I got to spend the last week and some days with you even if you didn't really know I was there. I remember standing at the foot of your bed in the nursing home, the last day that you were still somewhat attentive, and you were just staring at me. Knowing that your memory wasn't what it used to be, I asked you, "Are you checking me out," to which you slowly shook your head and said, "Yeah." I remember the smile on my face slowly falling once I realized that you truly were checking me out, studying my face- was it because you were having trouble remembering exactly who I was or was it because you were trying to memorize my face and the way I looked before you left? It's hard because until we see each other again, I'll never know.

I thought that I was ok enough to write this letter to you, however, the previous paragraph had me crying, but that's ok because writing can help work and get out feelings that might be hard to say aloud, right? I may not know how or what to feel right now, but I do know that- I love you, I know you're no longer suffering, I miss you terribly and I don't think that it's ever going to change. I know you're still going to, even though it's not going to be how I wanted you to see me do all these things, get to see me graduate, watch over me when I go for my first job interview after graduating, and watch me grow old and have a family of my own. It's not ok with me and I hope that over time it will become easier for all of us that are missing you.

I love you so so much and miss you.

Sincerely,

Your Niece xx