Scared of all the possible side effects, I waited. I waited years hoping that I could fix this anxiety on my own. Going to countless holistic practices, which all had great supplements and ways to relieve stress.

Sadly, none of them ever worked for me. After a few years, I realized some people can't be fixed through therapy, positive words or herbs. I needed something stronger.

I had so many people tell me that it was all in my head, which was true but there's a difference between being in control of your thoughts and having no grip what-so-ever.

I had no hold on my mind and I understand that's hard for others to understand. It was the only world I had ever known so I thought it would be easy for others to put themselves in my shoes.

"Life is hard, and children have to be told how hard life can be… So they will be sympathetic to others. So they will understand that some people have it harder than they do and that a trip through this world can be a wildly different experience, depending on what chemicals are raging through one's mind." ― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

Whenever I felt alone there was always one person who understood me better than I understood myself, my mom. She suffered from horrible anxiety and panic when she was my age and whenever I felt crazy or ready to give up she was always there, ready to pick me back up again.

She didn't want me to go on an anti-depressant either. She knew how hard it was to get started and the side effects that followed, because she had to go on one. She will have to take it for the rest of her life.

After nothing working for so long, I finally decided I was ready to try one. Even if it was the worst thing I ever did, I had to or I knew I would always regret what could have been. What I could have felt like.

What world I could live in, one a little happier and one without this cloud of fear over my head.

My Psychiatrist said I should try Paxil, since it is the one that worked for my mom. Since it worked for her there was an 80% chance it would work for her daughter.

So I took it that day, bracing myself for whatever would happen next. Nothing happened right away so I just put in my favorite movie and tried not to over think it.

I felt totally different from the start of The Silver Linings Playbook than I did when it ended. I felt completely out of it. I remember looking around my room and I couldn't hold onto anything. The walls felt foreign and my hands didn't feel like mine.

I walked to the bathroom and I didn't like looking in the mirror because my mind felt two steps behind my body.

Day 2 was even worse. I held my boyfriend that night and cried, telling him to make it stop. It was so hard to describe, but I felt like all of my worst memories and panic were swarming me.

My mom had warned me that it gets worse before it gets better so I held on. I understand what they mean by possible suicidal thoughts as a side effect because when it first hits your body you are put into your worst state of mind.

So if you wanted to die at your worst, then that is possibly where you will go.

Everyone has a different experience but that was how mine started. By day 3 I started to feel a little better, but my hopes were crushed when I wound up right where I started, feeling like my normal, anxious self.

For 3 months, I slowly upped my dose and each time I was disappointed. My mom always reminded me that everyone has their magic dose, so don't give up.

30 mg was my magic dose and I can't remember on what day I changed but I felt a stronger sense of hope like I had a future and things weren't all that bad. It continued day after day, I stopped being so irritated and stressed and begin to laugh at things that would have normally sent me over the edge.

I have only been on a working dose of Paxil for a few weeks and I don't care if I have to stay on it until I die. Taking 1 pill a day is a small price to pay if I feel good and like myself again.

It's weird to not be under an anxiety blanket anymore. I can't help but look forward and be present, instead of thinking of a million horrible outcomes. I still have a long way to go but feeling on the up is something I haven't felt in a long time.

My mom has saved my life too many times for me to even begin to thank her, but I will always try.

"I love you mom and thank you so much for never giving up on me. I know it was hard for you when you had to go through all of this at my age, but I am happy you did so that you could help me.

We're living in this Paxil world together and if I had to be here with anyone, I'm happy it's you."