I recently watch a video that described what it’s like to live with what they call high functioning anxiety. When I try to describe to people who don’t have anxiety, I can never put the exact sentences together that I need. I can never really describe it and that is usually followed up with “You always seem so happy. I would never have guessed that you have anxiety.” Well. Yes, that’s true. I am a happy person. I have lots of energy. But I get nervous about random things.
I graduated from high school almost two years ago. I have held a handful of jobs. And I am finally starting to reach out and make new friends. I am terrified of reaching out and actually talking to people because I am terrified of letting them get to know the real Jessica. I am terrified of letting people in. I mean, I have been friends with someone for almost two years now and he is just now getting to know what’s underneath all the sarcasm, eye rolling, and terrible jokes.
I have nervous ticks. My friends and family have probably seen me to them. If I am overwhelmed by a social event, I scratch my head or pick at my nails. Occasionally, I will pick my phone up and make it look like I am doing something on my phone when in reality, I am probably messing around on Facebook.
I have lived like this for a year. I didn’t think that it was anything that could be controlled. That it was something I had to live with and figure out myself. But when it gets out of control like mine did and starts to look a lot like depression, that’s when I realized I needed something more with my life. I wasn’t going to be defined by my anxiety and my depression. I was going to take a stand and help myself get better because I wanted more for my life than laying in bed for days on end, watching Netflix, and eating. I wanted to be me again.
Anxiety and depression are still apart of my day to day life. Each day is a battle. Each day brings on a new challenge. But I am prepared to face it. I am prepared to make sure that I am living life to the fullest and not being defined by my anxiety and not being defined by my depression. I am going to get the most out of life. And that starts by taking the first big step. Now, I have yet to define my next big step. I have yet to take that leap of faith. But, I have started with a small step. That small step being that I am writing about my struggles in hope that someone else might benefit from it. That it can start to end the stigma that surrounds mental illness.
Mental illness isn't something that should be taken lightly, but it also needs to be talked about. There needs to be something that can show that having a mental illness isn't the end of the world. The world needs to know that people with mental illnesses still can function and live normally. Yes, living normally is a struggle because every day is a battle. A battle to get up and get dressed in the morning to go to work. A battle to maintain relationships instead of sitting in bed and watching Netflix every night.
Sharing my story will hopefully do something positive. Sharing my story will hopefully help someone who is struggling realize that they are not alone. Sharing my story will hopefully end the stigma.