Did you know that

If you dream of mulberries,

It is representative of

Protection from obstacles

And negativity in your life?

How’s that for an ice breaker?

Is that right?

I’m sorry… this conversation -

Didn’t come with directions…

I took a wrong turn -

And now -

I’ve driven off a bridge

And I’m drowning.

I have social anxiety.

I hate - crowded spaces.

But I am forced into a box

Constructed by workers

Who have - never - looked me in the eye,

Workers whose lungs have - never

Been constricted - by the very walls

Meant to keep them safe -

Workers who are only

“Doing what they have been told”,

Only “following protocol”

And don’t bother to look

Before they cut down

Another mulberry tree.

Before they sign another contract.

I have social anxiety.

“If you are so afraid

of being in crowded spaces

Why not just leave?”

Well - it’s not so easy -

Because the social constructs

(that people have made) are a maze,

And the mulberries are the prize,

and I am a rat that has been - shocked -

too many times to trust myself

to make the right turns.

Because the systems in place

Promote a hurricane of stimulation,

And I am a butterfly -

Unequipped to deal with

The house-rending winds and rains.

I have social anxiety.

Because people are mean.

I remember in the fourth grade

The girl who sat across

From me in Science Class

Called me and my best friend “freaks”

like it was a curse - and she was

the Wicked Witch of the West,

Like she was the gardener

And the mulberries the weeds,

like she was the - judge,

and her words the gavel.

Like the fact that I was

afraid of reaching out

(and my best friend understood that),

Was a sin - and she was God

marking my name out of His Book of Life.

I have social anxiety,

Which, when society

Comes knocking

Can be really - debilitating.

… My mind…

is a sloppy mess.

Stressed, obsessed and depressed.

A tomb - that has been

Built in the middle

of a living intersection

Of spilled and

scattered notebooks

And smashed and smeared

Mulberries.

I have social anxiety,

Because the whole world

Made a set of rules

That I never saw,

Came to an understanding

That I was never a part of.

Held a meeting

That they forgot

to invite me to.

Because people decided

On something

And I have yet to find out what.

I have social anxiety,

And I have - never-

Dreamt of mulberries.