It isn't "just" a move for us. It's a removal of vivid memories, a stretching of friendships, an end to familiar faces and places and people who knew us well-All of us, well.
You see we came to this place a family of four. And we're leaving it now, a family of three.
And while we've been saying our goodbyes, it all just seems like a nostalgic daydream. I can hear it now: the slow rhythmic hum of one of my favorite childhood reads, Goodnight Moon. Except here, it's goodbye.
Goodbye schools. With hallways of classrooms and teachers, who once called us by name, whose walls were once covered in our artwork, and doors, our fingerprints.
Goodbye roads. That twist and turn with regularity, each corner, shop and space etched in my memory.
Goodbye church. Standing with no steeple in sight, but with people inside. People's whose hearts beat in sync with ours. Who took care of us at our worse.
Goodbye Park. With a path that winds through my thoughts, from those past walks, and talks. Forever winding, reminding me, of her.
Goodbye house. Walls so paper thin, the rooms even closer, all who have recorded moments of days spent playing with toys and nights spent whispering in bed. Of echoing laughter and silent tears.
Goodbye friends. Who's homes and families have become my own. Who's yards and rooms have filled my days.
Goodbye family. No more sitting together in pews on Sunday mornings. No more quick visits or lunches or favors.
Goodbye all. People, places, noises and spaces. Goodbye to everything everywhere.
I don't mean to make this all so final. All of this will live on, and there are friendships that won't let me stay away for long. It just so happens that this move is one of the last stops in my family's journey of grieving. And it makes it all—the grief—that much more final. And it leaves me feeling fragile.
There certainly are new hello's ahead and I am hopeful for what those may hold. Yes, indeed, the future is bright, full of possibilities, but all I can see now are the goodbyes I must say. And those goodbyes are beyond difficult. Because to me, these goodbyes all piece together to say one final goodbye.
Goodbye places and spaces and faces of memories. Memories of where she walked, where she laughed, where she painted and drew, explored and lived. Her sweet presence, shared with friends and neighbors and family. Her blonde hair and bright eyes and wise words and quick wit and caring spirit.Goodbye to those who actually knew her.Goodbye to those memories. Goodbye.
Goodbye Emilee.