It's been a month since my best friend died and surprisingly the world didn't stop when she died. The world continued on and I had to go through the motions so I wouldn't fall behind on my path to my dreams. A week after the funeral, it felt like the world just started moving again while I was still lost in grief. In public, I would put on a face and just do what I had to do to get through the day. Some days I took it day by day, others I took it five minutes by five minutes. So, you can say some days are better than others.

Before she died, I thought grief was just a set of stages that you go through and then you just miss them, but I learned that was so beyond true. I kept waiting for her to show me the tell tale signs that she was okay and happy. Then I learned that you cannot look for them because if you are looking they aren't going to show. I learned the signs come from anywhere and can be anything. They can be rainbows or even smells! Before bed was always the hardest because I had no choice but to think about her and all of memories and I would quietly cry myself to sleep some nights. I subconsciously celebrated the weekly anniversary of her passing until the first month anniversary .

I never thought that I would get to the anger stage because I am not one to get mad, but I did and felt so bad after I did. i was walking back to my dorm when I remembered that we were supposed to go a road trip but since she died we couldn't. I got so frustrated that I called her cell and told her that she was jerk for leaving me and my other best friend and why couldn't she listen when I told her that she should wear a helmet. I cried in my bed while screaming into my pillow. After that, I was laying in my bed and I apologized for my outburst even if I didn't have to. I learned to love when it rained because i could swear I could hear her laughing in the rain like so many times before. I would catch myself looking up to the moon to appreciate its beauty. When the wind blows I swear sometimes I hear her say Jazzy.

People told me that breaks would be harder now and they weren't lying. I cried the first time I came home for Thanksgiving. I visited her parents to see how they were doing. I laughed and cried with her mom and listened to her dad's stories. They took me to her room and my stomach felt like it fell to the floor. I haven't seen her room since high school. All the memories of the sleepovers came flooding back and I felt the tears coming on, but they didn't come. I was so happy that her room still smelled like her and that alone made me so happy. They let me have one of her t-shirts and that night I slept with it on my pillow.

I always say that every experience is a lesson and what I learned was that I would have to remember that she wouldn't want me to be sad on holidays and it's a lesson that I am going to have teach myself over and over again.