The Baby Driver

The box hasn't been open for 9 seconds, and your younger cousin has already grabbed the race car, declaring "That's mine! It's my piece! I'm the car, Mom!" and cradling the token in their tiny palms with a stubborn sense of possessive protection. Each turn you'll be reminded that they're the car, and no, that's not yours, and you're the wheelbarrow, they're the car, because they called it first.

Admittedly, the roadster is a cool token to drive deals with, and there's nothing snazzier than making a "vrrrrooomm" sound as you round the corner at GO, but everyone else at the grownups table will see you as a child, and you've got to act like an adult if you want to win this game of pink paper bills.

With this four-wheeled fan favorite introduced, we can proudly present a piece which has both less love and less axels:

The Stealers Wheel

The token of choice for those who have no other choice, the wheelbarrow is forced upon the unlucky fellow who was also forced to play. They don't want to be here and will definitely try to make you feel the same way.

$500s will be snuck from the banker and hidden under the board as this thief tries to get caught and kicked out. When that fails, bankruptcy will be their next aim as properties are sold off for $1 apiece.

Realization will soon set in that there's no "get out of jail free" card for their own personal prison, and the final few turns will be spent making scathing comments about the "clowns to the left" and "jokers to the right" as they wait in agony for the game and their misery to end. It is a sad and dismal life for the one who wheelbarrows.

Let's now turn our attention away from those who do not care to those who are unaware:

The Clueless Cruiser

After staring at their piece for a second or two, the beholder of this piece will ask why there is dice, where the red and white pins are, and how will they know if their battleship's sunk? You'll quickly explain that this is a different game, and they'll nod their head in affirmation before rolling the dice and yelling, "Yahtzee!"

As lost in Monopoly as they would be at sea, they'll buy every property they land on, accept all deals offered, and wonder why they've just lost four houses when purchasing a hotel. Around the board they'll aimlessly be bound, blown this way and that from the amicable advice of some and the trecherous tricks of others.

Soon mortgages will be taken and bankruptcy will follow, and this cruiser will become the first loser. While departing from the table, they'll proclaim that Monopoly's too confusing, and that the game of Cribbage is certainly much better.

Now that we've covered the pieces of pawns, it's time to introduce the first of the true players:

The Hound Dog

They're cute, they're cuddly, but this pup plays ruff. Duplicitous deals will be offered and backstabbing bribes will be formed, and this tenacious terrier never lets up their attack.

"$1,000 for Park Place?" they'll query, and you'll shoot them down with an assertive "No." But they'll coax you, persuade you, ask if you're sure. "Do you really want to let this tasty offer slide off the table?" they question, and now you're wondering if you are wrong.

Suddenly you're down on your luck, bankruptcy's near, and they'll appear again with a sly smile and the same offer. But it's $600 less. You're forced to agree, and they throw you the bone of a few measly bills, knowing you'll be back for more scraps as your game comes to a close.

But this sinister canine challenger has a particular polar opposite:

The Steamroller

Answering negotiations with an iron will and holding onto properties with an iron grip, this token is wielded by those whose business is no business whatsoever. Everyone's offer is returned with a flat-out "No," and the only time you'll be trading them your properties is when you fall onto their Boardwalk and into bankruptcy.

Explain the benefits of a trade and try your best to persuade, but they'll never sway from the arguments you say. Their token may press shirts, but it's impossible to press them to see things from your side.

With neatly stacked $500s and their property cards in a row, they did not come here to make friends, barters, or deals; they came here to win.

While victory may be a myopic goal for this piece, another token plans to do so with a little bit more flair:

The Showman

A hushed silence fills the room, and the only sound heard is the slight tapping together of the dice as this passionate performer prepares their roll. They already tried for doubles twice, and if this one fails they'll be forced to pay the fine.

A "get out of jail free" card rests in their pile, but they chose not to use it. "Why?" you ask. "The thrill," they proclaim. And with that the white and black cubes cascade from their grip and onto the board, spiraling to a stop, snake-eyes up.

Fanning their cash and passing the dice with a flourish, they move forward two spaces, each jump followed by a dramatic descent. Is it luck? Is it skill? No, my friends. It's simply show business.

Yet there's another token who treks the line of danger, but not by choice:

The Stubborn Sole

The first trip around the board, they netted zero properties. The second time, only one. Unlucky rolls, unfortunate chance cards, and a bad case of bad luck brought them to the bottom at the very beginning.

Yet, they prevail. At some point, things began to fall ever so slightly in their favor: they barely miss Boardwalk and land on GO, rolling numbers that save them from bankruptcy and hopping from one point of safety to the next in a desperate dance of determination.

The likelihood of survival is slim, and the possibility for victory even slimmer, yet still they live on, one step and square at a time, both soul and sole never breaking, defying all odds until the very end.

And in this game of power, who reigns at the top?

The Thimble

A token who needs no other monicker to strike fear in your heart, this piece of princes possesses an unholy power. They're the king from the beginning, and they neverstop winning.

Opponents are pitted against one another as this mastermind weaves a plan as intricate and intertwined as a spider's web. You're a fly in their trap, a pawn which they play, for while some played checkers and others played chess, this plastic cap was playing them all.

Hound dogs may attempt to broker a deal to break their webbing, and stubborn soles may try to thread through their net of despair, but no one escapes the thimble, and all are trapped under their tyrannical thumb.