I like it when we lay together in silence with the lights and television turned off. In these moments, I would like to tell you that I love the way you run your hand through my hair before you kiss my forehead. I’m cold and you’re like my own heated blanket and my eyes are getting heavy as I’m soothed by the smell of your cologne that you apply to the base of your neck. Your hands are strong yet gentle. I like it when your voice cuts the silence because when I don’t talk for a while I have to clear my throat or I’ll sound like a mouse. And, even after I clear my throat, I sound like a mouse. I’m a mouse around you because I’m always walking on my tip-toes. I want to cling to you like I’ve clung to every man that I’ve fallen in love with before you. I’m afraid that you’ll leave me, too. When we lay here, together, I try to listen to your heartbeat to tell myself that it’s steady and you won’t abandon me because you’re steady. I like to tell myself that I don't have abandonment issues.

Personally, I have never been abandoned by anyone and I do the abandoning. I've learned to stay in relationships with men that I do not like because I am too nice or just weak-minded to tell them that it's over. So, I just abandon my feelings and say "I love you" with no meaning behind it, as I call my best friend and tell her of how I dream to say, "I love you" and mean it. When I finally get the courage to tell you that I do love you and I do feel in my heart that I do, I will actually mean it. I think that we're at a standstill with saying it because it's too early and we don't want to scare each other away. I know by writing this that I may scare you away and it's a risk I'm willing to take.

You pull me in closer and I rest my hand on your chest. I do this when I am away from you with my pillow and imagine that it is you. I do this because it's unreal that I can lay in a bed with a man and he does not try to have sex with me. In these moments with you, I think of the Frank O'Hara poem, Having a Coke With You; the Amy Lemmon poem, I Take Your T-Shirt to Bed Again; and the Ocean Vuong poem, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous. Someday I would like to read it to you as we lay together when we are both in love with each other since I have made the mistake of reading these poems to lovers that weren't worth it. In moments like these, I never want the sun to come up because that means my time with you is coming to a close. Once we fall asleep and wake up together we will still be in this position and my mouse-y morning breath voice breaks the silence to whisper, "good morning."