"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you." - Maya Angelou
Miscarriage is some thing that happens to 1 in 4 woman in the US. And unfortunately, it is rarely talked about. When a woman does have a miscarriage, they feel as if they are alone, and have done something wrong. I know I did. If it weren't for the support system I have gained through my miscarriage journey, I would still feel alone. I miscarried my first child on November 13th, 2013. This is my story.
I was 18, I was depressed, and I was scared about everything. Then I found out I was pregnant. The father and I were no longer together, and I thought I was alone in the world. I was scared to tell my parents, I was scared to even admit that there was a child growing inside of me. But my family knew before I did, and they forced me to recognize the change that my body was going through. I started eating right, I drank tons of water, took the right vitamins, slept the recommended 9 hours, everything was just so. And though I was 18, had just finished high school, wasn't enrolled in any higher education, and did not have great support from the father, I was excited. I was going to be responsible for something greater than myself.
Then just a couple short weeks later, I started to feel different. Something was wrong. My sister took me to the doctor, and held my hand as we found out that there was no heartbeat, no baby. It was gone. My child was gone. I suffered from major depression, eating disorders, and anxiety. I had only one thing that was worth anything in the world. And I had even failed that one thing- my child. I knew that there had to be something I had done to ruin this too. I had changed everything bad in my life, and tried to make sure that my body was going to be a good home for this child. But I had failed it in some way. Young people aren't supposed to have high risk pregnancies. Only those women who wait till they are in their forties before they have children have miscarriages. I was not supposed to go through this. My child was not supposed to go through this.
It took a ton of research and multiple doctors to realize that I wasn't alone. Miscarriage is so common that it effects 1 in 4 pregnancies. It typically happens before the 13th week, and can be caused by a wide range of factors. There are chemical pregnancies, which ultimately effect about 50%-75% of all pregnancies. This is where the pregnancy is lost very close after conception. The woman may have a regular or slightly heavier period, and most times never knows she was even pregnant. The cause behind the pregnancy loss can be anything from hormonal problems, trauma, age, improper implantation, and more. There are other miscarriages that happen later on in the pregnancy, and often times, they go unexplained. There are so many types of miscarriage it is unreal. But they all share one common factor: It is a heart break that you do not understand until you have been there.
If only we could end the extremely negative stigma of a miscarriage. The actual loss is negative enough, women should not be made to feel that they have done something to make the pregnancy end early. I was judged, mocked, and made to feel like an unfit mother. I was informed that I must have subconsciously wanted the pregnancy to end so my body took care of it. In the end, through doctor visits and therapy, it was determined that my son was not ready to make his grand entrance in the world. I could not have changed anything in my pregnancy. He was just too perfect for earth. Most women give birth to babies, I created an angel. And I have many more miscarriage sisters who have beautiful angel babies as well.
My miscarriage was not planned. My miscarriage was not happy. But my miscarriage was the most life altering event that has ever happened to me. My child not only changed my life, but he saved it.