The Cleanse
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

The Cleanse

I am no longer a carcass to be fed upon.

43
The Cleanse
Pexels.com

I am what I call a "pusher" -- I push people out of my life. I push them out of my heart. I push people and thoughts out of my mind. I push things away to avoid dealing with the harsh act of confrontation.

I am not a confrontational person. I don't like yelling or arguing, and I don't like people telling me I'm wrong. I don't like criticism. I don't like thinking that anything I have done is the problem or the cause of said confrontation. It's not because I'm a pretentious little shit who likes to be right all the time - I just hate being the one to cause problems.

The thought that something I have done is causing others grief scares me because I have a hard enough time making friends and keeping them as it is. I am not someone that strangers look at and think, "I want to be her friend". I am quite the opposite. I make my friends by accident -- they get stuck with me on some project or task that requires them to spend enough time with me to get to know me, the "pretty" side of me. Only after being forced to spend some significant time with me do people decide to give me a chance. I don't have a pretty face or a blinding smile or cute laugh or charming personality. I blend into the scene behind me, and that's my life.

Because I have such a hard time making friends, it is so easy for me to get caught up in the ones I do have. I am too nice for my own good, and I will forgive anything. I provide advice any professional therapist would be proud to claim. I enjoy playing the role of the extra because I enjoy seeing others happy. I enjoy seeing my people happy. I enjoy making people happy, and I will go to the ends of the Earth to see the happiness on the faces of those closest to me. That is my fatal flaw.

I was born with the mindset, "all or nothing", coursing through my blood. I give my all in everything I do, or I do nothing at all. While this is a great work ethic to have, and one that I am proud to exercise, it is incredibly exhausting. There are so many days that I don't want to give it my all, but I know I cannot give up. There are days that I cannot give 110%, and doing a job that I know is not my best work puts a terrible feeling in my stomach that would rival the roughest of waves on the sea.

This is basically how I am in every relationship I have, platonic or romantic. Every person I come in contact with, in my mind, deserves the best I have to give, so I give it to them. I give them every piece of me, every last ounce until I have withered away to the frailest of bones. I allow others to suck my bones dry of the life within me, hoping that perhaps the life within my soul will ignite their flame. But it never does.

People, I've learned, are selfish beings that only ever care for themselves and their well-being in the end. To a starving soul, the successful and fruitful end justifies the painstaking means it took to get there. No one ever cares what becomes of the carcasses left behind after the feeding. Perhaps they blow away in the wind. Perhaps they regenerate the flesh, and after some time, go off to nourish another soul. Perhaps nothing happens. Perhaps they carry on as they did before, a little more hollow than the last time.

It's a vicious cycle for those brave enough to nourish those around them. There is nothing more vulnerable than allowing others to fill their gaping holes with pieces of you. It's why I'm a pusher.

I am a pusher because, after so many years of restoring and nourishing others, I have become frail as a feather in the wind. I am in the process of restoring myself to my full capacity, to my ultimate self, to my whole self, and I cannot continue to heal others while healing my soul.

I am a pusher because I cannot allow myself to be eaten away by the starving mouths of the broken any longer. I will not allow myself to be beaten down and belittled by those who are "doing what is best for them". I will not allow myself to believe the lies and unfulfilled promises of the broken. I am no longer a carcass to be fed upon.

I am a pusher, and I will continue to push the negatives -- the thoughts, the people, the actions -- away from me until I am whole once more.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

59198
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

38268
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

959722
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

197050
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments