Have you ever looked at someone and wished you had what they had?
That you looked the way they looked?
Were you ever so jealous of someone it twisted your heart into something ugly?
Twisted you into someone ugly?
I have. I'll be the first one to say I get jealous. I think it's a personality trait. I'm an extremely jealous and territorial person, but I learned to control it.
Why did I learn to tone it down and control it?
Because I was the victim of someone's jealousy.
Ugly to me, isn't a physical thing. Instead, it's something that lives inside people. It's that darkness that clouds your mind and the anger that burns your soul black.
It's a choice you make when you go out of your way to hurt someone out of spite and jealousy. That makes you ugly, not your physical appearance.
Jealousy makes people ugly. It's one of the few things I believe can make someone truly ugly. I believe that everyone is beautiful, in one way or another, until they start twisting themselves into being jealous, cruel people.
I saw myself becoming that. It was not good. I didn't want to be ugly like that. Instead, I changed my outlook.
People can come back from being ugly. There is a line, though. If you cross it, you may be stuck being a twisted version of yourself. The version of yourself that hides the brightness and light that lives inside you. The darkness can easily over take the light if you let it.
A sign you're becoming ugly is when you look in the mirror and can't recognize yourself because you have that look in your eyes. The look of anger and hate. You can't hide it, no matter how hard you try. People can see it. I can see it. And if they can't see it, people can sense it.
I'm not even saying that someone being jealous is the only cause of being ugly.
Other people can cause it too.
Once you are hurt or begin to mistrust someone, the darkness finds a crack to slip inside. Another person is almost always the catalyst. But from there, it's your choice to let that darkness reside in you or for you to exorcize it out.
Jealousy is the main cause of the darkness I found myself in. As I mentioned before, I have been at the other end of someone's jealousy and It wasn't pretty. Though it sucked, it showed me the flaws in my own self and how I didn't want to end up.
You can be jealous because I'm skinny, despite eating so very unhealthily.
Never mind the fact that I work out and dance constantly, worrying if I gain one pound I won't be as alluring as everyone says I am, due to my size.
You can be jealous I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me.
You're jealous I have the opportunities you didn't have or didn't take advantage of. Despite me working my ass off for everything I have, and overcoming more than you can even imagine.
You're jealous that I'm so successful at the age of 22, and the only place I have to go is up.
I'm editor-in-chief of Odyssey at Ursinus and your jealousy won't shame me. I'm damn proud of all I have done.
You're jealous that I'm smart and clever. Sometimes intelligence is not a gift. I don't work to have a 3.9 GPA, even though I go to a challenging private school, but know that I'm bored out of my mind. I wish I had to study like all of my friends because then I'd have friends to hang out with.
And finally, you can be jealous of my relationships because people are attracted to me. I always joke and say it's my face. I just have a friendly face, that people feel safe confiding in me. But know, after being labeled the mom of the group, I have no one to confide in and have to hold everything inside. Just know, my relationships aren't as perfect as they seem.
So you see, maybe the things you are jealous of have their down sides. Maybe you should appreciate what you have and cut out the things that are turning you ugly with jealousy. Maybe you should stop looking at my life, comparing it to yours. Maybe you should just be happy with all that you have.
Jealousy is that green eyes monster you see in my eyes, reflecting back at your own demons. It's the monster that whispers sweet evils into your ear. It's the monster that can take you over the line and you won't ever come back.
So you better watch your back, because those monsters slip through even the smallest of cracks.
Everyone feels jealousy but if you let it control you, it'll twist you into something you aren't.