2018 started out relatively slow, as most Januarys start. There's an unfamiliarity in a new year, but that doesn't give me a good enough feeling about the future. I'm usually the one saying, "a new year is a new start, a second chance," but my mental health has been clouding that judgment lately.
I have had depression for a long time, at least 10 years or so. This depression has a familiarity. Almost like an old relative, you haven't seen in a few years, but you remember exactly what they were like. When my depression comes back, it almost starts out in a comforting way, but it usually leaves a bitter aftertaste.
Along with my depression is my never-ending anxiety that pretty much runs like the Energizer Bunny. It causes my mind to come up with multiple situations and run through worst-case scenarios for each of them.
As I'm writing this, it's only the second day of 2019 and I can already feel my mind start to predict this upcoming year's failed attempts at goals I've taken the time to set up for myself. I get this feeling that my upcoming semester is going to be particularly difficult, that I'm not going to get ahead in my job, or that I'm (definitely) not going to the gym this year.
The point is, my mental health has continued to diminish my expectations towards my goals, ruin the aspects of maintaining my small amount of close friendships and take away my ability to enjoy this year. And I mean really enjoy it.
I don't want to let my mental illnesses determine what kind of day, month, or year I'm going to have. I want my healthy mind to help guide me into a successful and positive year that I deserve. That we all do.