It has been approximately three years since he touched me and approximately two and a half since I've heard his voice but it's only been a few days since I saw the last message he ever sent to me. I opened Skype for the first time in a very long time and saw that I had a message request. When I saw it was from him I should have hit ignore, but I couldn't. Something told me to open it.
It was sent to me over a year ago. A few days after my #MeToo article. I guess he had seen it, read it, and decided to send me a message about it. I will spare you the contents of the message and just give you the gist. Essentially, he was sorry that I interpreted what he had done as assault.
He meant it as an act of love, but came on too strong. He was confused as to why I hadn't said anything about it sooner, and apologized. He asked that I not mention it to his new girlfriend, should I ever come into contact with her, and that I especially not mention it to any of his family in my hometown.
He further apologized for the mental and emotional abuse he put me through in the couple of years that we were together. He realized through reflection that he was horrible to me and that overall our relationship had been the most toxic thing either of us had ever been through. He even suggested we be friends.
I read his message a couple of times because for some reason I couldn't bring myself to process it at all. While he was correct, our entire relationship was infinitely beyond toxic, I couldn't stop myself from getting incredibly angry. I realized that seeing his name, seeing his message, and hearing his voice in my head only brought me an unbearable sense of anger and resentment that I had no idea I had been holding on to.
I realized that no matter how much I told myself I didn't care or that I wasn't angry anymore, I was. I was pissed, but not at him. I was pissed because I had never forgiven him, and it was hurting me inside. I got so angry so quickly that I pushed my laptop off of my desk and that's when I realized that I needed to forgive him and let myself live fully again. I was not forgiving him for him. But for me.
I decided to forgive him for everything. The emotional abuse, the verbal abuse, the sexual abuse. All of it. I was forgiving him for all of my sleepless nights, for the nightmares he caused, and for the countless tears I shed over the years because of what he was doing to me. I was forgiving it all.
When I decided on this, my shoulders felt a little looser, I felt a little lighter, and my heart hurt a lot less. It's just a start, but it's one hell of a start on the road to moving on and closing that chapter of my life.