To My Mental Illnesses, Screw You

Trigger Warning

Listen, I get it. You’re simply doing your job of making me miserable at any and all times of the day. You don’t have much of a purpose other than what you were designed to do. I can’t fault you for it and I certainly can’t change you. You know how hard I’ve tried to change you.

But it's time for us to have a heart to heart.

You guys have been with me since I was small. In fact, it’s been such a long time that I can’t picture my life without you guys in it. I don’t know a life other than what I have, what I’ve always had, and it scares me.

I think I put off therapy for as long as I did because I was terrified of what being happy would mean for me. When I told a friend that I didn’t think I was ready to be helped, their response was, “I thought you wanted to get better?” and I didn’t have the words to explain myself back then.

What I think people without mental illness don’t understand is that helping myself is very important to me and it always has been. Not to sound harsh, but I didn’t want you guys in my head any longer. I didn’t want you building roots in every nook and cranny of my body, forcing me to have breakdowns in a Wendy’s parking lot at 2 in the morning because I couldn’t bear the burden you brought me any longer.

Some of you wanted to see me buried six feet deep and others tried very hard to keep me alive. You brought me nothing but warfare and made me your battleground. I wanted to get rid of you so bad, but it’s never that easy. You were the ones that held me after every tragedy, after every brutal inner storm, and after every hard moment in my life.

How do I detach myself from you guys when I am just as much a part of you as you are a part of me? How do I get rid of you when you’re so rooted in my aching chest... without you taking my lungs on your way out?

I don’t know the answer, and neither do you. Neither do people without mental illness weighing them down. All I know is that I am exhausted.

I am tired of the constant fear, the constant numbness, and the constant fighting. I am tired of being so exhausted from battling you guys that I can’t find the motivation to get out of bed or take care of myself. I’m tired of the guilt I feel because people think I’m not trying to dispose of you guys.

Enough is enough. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully live without some of you guys, so it’s time we work together on what we’re going to do. I refuse to live like this any longer because I’m done with you guys controlling every aspect of my life. I’m over it. If you’re going to be staying here, you’re going to have to help pull your weight in making me feel better.

That means you have to stop convincing me to skip my therapy appointments. That means we stop working against each other to destroy one another.

We’re all in this for the long haul. I’ve accepted your position in my life and I will continue to try to lessen your impact on me.

One way or another, I’m going to get past this.

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND/OR TENDENCIES, REACH OUT IMMEDIATELY. NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. SUICIDE IS SERIOUS.

National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7

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