May is Mental Health Awareness month. More people are speaking up and sharing their own experiences and really fighting to have the topic of mental health not be something that is simply pushed under the rug. I, for one, have been affected by mental illness for the majority of my life both personally and with people around me. I truly believe that Mental Health Awareness month and everything that it stands for is absolutely beautiful and a big step for modern acceptance that what we feel is real, comparable to any physical illness, and shouldn’t be belittled one bit. But have you ever stopped to think about how aware those of us battling with mental illness are? This is an ode to anyone battling their own demons, those who haven’t identified their demons just yet, and for those loved ones of individuals with mental illness who don’t quite understand the concept of these “demons” that I speak of.

Let me start by generally stating that those of us battling mental illness are continually aware of our illness. It haunts our every thought, word, and action. We are aware that we hurt the ones that we love. Please be aware that while we try to take responsibility for our actions, sometimes we just have no other way to explain ourselves than, “I’m sorry, I just really wasn’t myself that day.” Whoever “myself” even is. We are also aware of the ramifications of our actions. They come back to haunt us when we least expect it and if I told you the amount that we fixate on our past thoughts and actions you would honestly wonder how we get anything accomplished. And at times we are not aware because our minds trick us or block out the memories: a defense mechanism for when we lie, steal, cheat, indulge in reckless behavior, and hurt ourselves to the core. We are also aware that some people will never take our illness seriously. Until we sputter the words, “I used to hurt myself” or “Sometimes I just want to die,” some people just roll their eyes at our “pain.” Please be aware that it kills us to reveal these things and we shouldn’t have to just to prove a point.

My favorite is the people that try to tell us how to feel. “Everyone hits some bumps in the road and is sad. It will pass!” Like, thanks, Doctor. When did you get your medical degree, again? Or even worse are the people who know the quick fix. “Just get over it.” “Just let it go.” “Just control your thoughts.” Please be aware that if we could, we definitely would. Let’s not even discuss decision making. We are never aware of what we truly want. We do not have a “gut” or “intuition,” or at least not one that we are aware of because we have trained ourselves to not act on a whim to promote what, we feel, will be a more favorable outcome for everyone involved. So we sit and we stew over the most simplistic decisions because we cannot decipher what we truly want or what the chemical imbalance in our brain is telling us that we want. Yes, it is a chemical imbalance. For anyone who wasn’t aware, there is a physical chemical imbalance that causes our mental symptoms. What you may not be aware of though, are the physical symptoms that come along with mental illness. Some include nausea, headaches, fatigue, muscle pain, shortness of breath, tremors, fainting/black outs, hypertension, and many others.

Relationships are complicated for those of us battling mental illness. Sometimes the illness helps us to make connections, making friends who understand and are quick to forgive. Unfortunately, the world is full of people who do not understand as well. I’m here to say that it is okay that you do not understand. It isn’t your fault. Please be aware of how blessed you are to not understand. The illness has definitely lost friends for us. We are slow to trust and quick to run. We burn bridges the second that we can and then obsess over the hopeless ashes that remain once we realize the irreversible damage that we have caused. We are forever aware of the ashes and so grateful to those people who bring supplies to let us rebuild the bridge and try again. Those that love us are just about as painfully aware of the illness as we are. For this, I promise, we apologize. I think I can speak for everyone with mental illness when I say, "Thank you." Thank you so much for never ever ever giving up on us, even when it would be so much easier to do so.

So this month, truly be aware of mental illness. Please speak up for yourself and those around you who are battling. Be aware that we are always aware and unfortunately haunted by our illness. Send kind words. Please take this article to heart and understand that we are hurting. Do not tell us to just “get over it” because chances are we have tried everything in our power to do just that. It’s okay to say, “I don’t really understand what you are going through and I probably never will, but I want you to know that I am aware that you are hurting and I am here to help in any way that I can.” I can promise that at the end of the day the biggest thing that we are aware of are the people who never left our side no matter how bad things got, and we are forever grateful for your undying support.