I have always said that anxiety is something that I really couldn't wish on my very worst enemy. My anxiety has held me back in just about everything I've ever tried to take part in. It has served as an anchor forever weighing me down. I am uncertain I can ever really entire into a relationship that is meaningful because every single thing will constantly be overthought.
"Why are you sad?"
The answer so many times has been "I don't know." And this really and truly is me being honest. It's the truth. I don't know why. Something may have triggered it, pushing me down into the sadness, but sometimes the depression just sort of bubbles out of nowhere. Usually, there seems that a reason is needed for my depression and sadness, but there are times when I can't offer an explanation.
I don't know why I feel the way I feel or why I am the way I am, but all I know is I am currently feeling it and it's hurting me. This is especially difficult when I find myself in a relationship or friendship.
I am expected to be perky and to be my regular self, but with depression, I find often times I am unable to be "myself" whoever that even is. It's like a weight around my neck, forever pulling me down and fighting it does nothing except render me useless and tire me out.
I feel like fighting does nothing but make me feel weak. It's like a sore knee that flares up at certain times and brings me pain. My mother comes into the room and says "did something happen today?" And maybe something did indeed happen, but it was most likely minor and unimportant, however, that one event of minor important spiraled into something a whole lot worse for me, plummeting me far into my depression.
The anxiety mixed with depression is often one of the worst combinations that a person can have.
I was in class one day when we were doing a project for economics. In this project, we were given different outcomes for our life. I was single with a high school education and no children. I have no idea why this resignated so deeply with me, but it did. I was deeply bothered and deeply disturbed. I had never thought before that I even really cared about getting married or starting a family or anything of that sort. Of course these were things I had thought about before, but in all honesty, I can say it is not something I had truly ever felt worried about. Maybe I'd get married and maybe I wouldn't. Time would tell really. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to spend a few months in Spain or maybe a few years, learn fluent Spanish, then maybe go to Mexico for a while. I wanted to live in California in the land of the marijuana and Hollywood, and I wanted to travel to all different parts of the globe. I had a wide variety of things I desired to do and getting married really was close to the bottom of that list. However, in this moment a strange and crushing reality was thrust on me. The anxious voices in the back of my head were repeatedly telling me I'd be alone and this would forever be my future.
I was petrified.
My anxiety began starting its wild whirlwind of thoughts that it so often catapults into. Thought after thought raced through my mind at an alarming pace. This kind of anxious spiraling and weighted feeling of depression is one that I would not wish on my very worst enemy. This kind of torment is one I've spent many a 11:11 wishing away and sent many a prayer up to. There are days when I am not me. There are days when I am not Lizzie. Most days it can seem hard to trust just about anyone at all.
I work day by day though. I take my medication, go to my therapy, drink water, and try my best to be honest with myself as well as others. I use open communication to express myself and think that thoughts should and can often be expressed verbally. If I am feeling or thinking something, I say it. I find it easier for myself and those around me if that is the case. There are days where I feel I am in a complete trance. It's almost like being a shell of a person, however, I believe persevering and pushing through is something we are all called to do.
Depression won't win with me.
Anxiety won't win even as if grips its cold fingers around me. I will rise.