Last Friday, an explosive memo was released regarding the crucial ongoing investigation of Donny’s election to the presidency of Mrs. Fitzgerald’s fifth grade class. We have reprinted the memo below in its entirety for the benefit of the student body of Spring Ridge Elementary School.

February 9, 2018

To: The Student Council

From: Devin

Subject: The Investigation Into Donny’s Presidential Campaign Is Run By Big Meanies.

Purpose

This memorandum provides Members an update regarding the Council’s ongoing investigation into the fall Student Council presidential election. Our findings, which are detailed below, 1) raise concerns that Chris, the boy investigating Donny’s election, is actually a big stupid doodoo head, and 2) suggest that the Student Council investigating Donny is totally not fair.

Investigation Update

On October 21, 2016, the Council began interviewing students to determine if Donny had used improper campaign methods and authorized playground surveillance of Carter, Donny’s fourth best friend, who had been seen handing out candy and Yu-Gi-Oh cards to other students, some of whom don’t even go to our school.

Chris was one of the kids the Council had told to intercept all playground, recess, and lunchtime conversations between Carter and the other boys, and Chris claims he heard Carter say “Thanks for voting for Donny, here’s your candy.” It is our opinion following this investigation that Chris is a stinky liar, and further, that his pants are almost certainly on fire.

1) The “dossier” compiled by Chris in the back of his Trapper Keeper on behalf of Millie’s campaign formed an essential part of the decision to institute playground surveillance on Carter. Millie even gave Chris her cookies at lunch for a whole week for it.

a) The Student Council has failed to adequately disclose the pro-Millie bias of the Carter surveillance. Chris and Millie are like, best friends, and it is the opinion of this investigation that they may even be sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

b) First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.

2) Chris has been talking to Mikey during recess. Mikey told everyone last summer that Donny was letting people play his Xbox if they promised to vote for him for Student Council President, but everyone knows Mikey is just jealous because Donny and Melanie are boyfriend and girlfriend and Mikey has like-liked Melanie since third grade.

a) I meant Mike M, not Mike P. Everyone knows Mike P is Donny’s second best friend.

b) Chris was suspended and then terminated as a Council source for what the Council defines as the most serious of violations—tattling to the teachers. Chris claims that it wasn’t him who told on Carter to Mrs. Fitzgerald, but we all know Chris is a big whiny baby and tells Mrs. Fitzgerald everything.

3) Before and after Chris was terminated as a source, he maintained contact with the Council because his mom and Roddy’s mom have yoga together so Chris and Roddy hang out sometimes. Chris admitted his feelings about then-candidate Donny to Roddy at that time, saying that Donny was “a big jerk who shouldn’t be President” because Donny wouldn’t let Chris play his Xbox. Chris also suggested that Donny picks his nose, which is not true. Actually, Chris picks his nose, like, all the time and it’s super gross.

4) Donny rules, Chris drools. Devin out.