You've heard of Donald Trump. You've heard of Hillary Clinton. You've heard of Ted Cruz. Maybe even you've heard of Bernie Sanders. But this election cycle, get ready for Hayden Thompson, the United States' new rising star in politics.
Thompson, 10 years old, is a fifth grader at a local elementary school. I first heard of him when stopping to return supplies to a teacher I knew, when he made the remark that I knew would cement him as serious competition to the current presidential hopefuls. "I know you are, but what am I?" asked Hayden, in response to a classmate who had called him, and I quote, a "doo-doo head." This level of wit was unprecedented! The first thing I thought of was that this child had a future in politics!
But why wait? Ever since the American public stopped caring about the actual issues behind candidates and more about what comebacks and personal mockeries they could make of each other, the floodgates opened for insult masters to gain a future in politics. We all remember the ill-fated campaign of Joey Polansky, tragically cut short by the pants-wetting incident. But with serious contenders with dry pants behind the podium now, it seems that the future is guaranteed to Hayden Thompson.
Which isn't to say that Thompson doesn't have some similarities to current frontrunners. He agrees with Trump's stance about building a wall between our country and Mexico. "That should stop illegal immigrants, right?" His teacher, shaking her head in disgust, clearly didn't understand politics like this bright young mind. Why do we let morons like her vote when old souls like Hayden obviously understand the world better than anybody with her age and experience?
When asked about the rising popularity of Vermont senator Bernie Sanders, Hayden divulged upon me this pearl of wisdom: "Who?" When I presented him with a picture, he quipped, "He's an old man. Is he going to die soon?" Never before had I seen a young person whose knowledge trumped my very own! It all made sense! Who wants a candidate with years of consistent voting and sticking to their principles when we could have virtual nobodies with untold stories? No matter how many times they've gone bankrupt or jobs they've cut, who looks good on the outside?
Sadly, I was forced to bid adieu to Hayden as he got into his mom's car. I asked him if I could contact him for future interviews, to which I was met with a slam of the car door. I can't fault him, as a god among men such as himself doesn't have to talk to a plebian such as myself if given the choice. I can only hope that no ugly scandals surface, as every candidate with good ideas will surely work out in the end.