Often people form relationships with those who are similar to them.

This means sharing beliefs, religious, political, etc. It is part of human nature. We want to be around those who are similar to us because we want to feel like we fit in; we want to be accepted. I know so much of my life I always wanted to feel accepted so I would try my best to believe and act like those around me because that is what would make me acceptable to them. Maybe we think this way because of how people often treat those who are different than them. It is hard to comprehend how someone could think so differently than we do, we don’t know their thoughts, and what we don’t understand we can easily judge. So, to believe differently is to often be judged. To be judged by people is scary and painful; it is no mystery why we might fear it and truly desire to be accepted.

We may even go to great lengths in an effort to be accepted by those around us, often denying our own true beliefs and feelings in exchange for the ones that are more acceptable. I found myself doing this in many of the Christian circles I was a part of. I would convince myself to believe and do what everyone else did and it felt good finally fitting in for a little bit until I knew I had to follow my heart and my beliefs would change. Suddenly, I would no longer fit in, because my beliefs were unacceptable.

We accept those who are similar to us, who we view as acceptable, and we often befriend those who are like us. Now, of course, there are many exceptions, sometimes we befriend opposites and find they complement us very well. When it comes to falling in love and finding a partner, relationships form in similar ways. We often bond well with those who believe very similarly to us and this can be a very exciting and great thing at the time. It is exciting to finally find someone who understands you, someone you fit in with, who you can talk endless hours with about your passions and beliefs without them judging you.

Many people, especially in religious groups, will make it a point to try to find a partner who shares their same belief system.

Sometimes it is even highly frowned upon or viewed as sinful to marry someone outside of that belief system. The Christian groups I grew up in were like this. Everyone made a point to marry other Christians and often tried to marry Christians who were a part of the same denomination because there are even a lot of differences and tension between different denominations. It is not wrong to marry someone of similar beliefs, it is human nature, but their beliefs should not be your reason for marrying them.

Let me explain this further.

Beliefs, no matter how strong they may seem, can be fickle things. Beliefs change and grow, they morph and dissipate as we grow, and change as we experience new things. This is not a bad thing, it is part of life. It is naïve to think that you and your spouse will both always believe the same things you did when you first met. People change; you will change, your spouse will change, that is life.

If you want your marriage to last a good long time, beliefs cannot be the thing holding you together.

Your love has to be deeper than that. When one or both of you change, it will test how real your love is. Do you just love the person because they think and act like you do, or do you love them for who they are, every part of them, their differences, their failures, no matter what? It is easy to love someone who believes just like you do, the real test and challenge is to love someone who you don’t completely understand, who you may not agree with, but who you can love just as much despite all of that.

Forget it, you cannot change someone.

You cannot make them believe what you do so you can then be able to accept them. Your best bet is giving up the idea of controlling or trying to change them. Acceptance despite differences is the beginning of love. Just tolerating or forcing yourself to remain with your spouse because it is the “right” thing to do is also not love. Learn to actually accept them as they are. Face the fact that you cannot control them and begin to learn to appreciate who they are.

When I first met my husband, we believed very similarly and it was amazing meeting someone so much like me. Over the past few years, we have both gone through a lot that has completely changed our beliefs. We differ on some things now that I never imagined we would, but it helped me learn what love really is. Despite our differences, we have learned to accept one another no matter what, we don’t let any of that change how we feel about one another. I actually like our differences, I like the unique people that we are, and I like celebrating our uniqueness. I love all of my husband’s quirks, I love hearing his ideas, I admit sometimes I get annoyed but even when I’m annoyed I still love him for it and would never want him to be any different. I am also extremely grateful that my husband is the same way, he accepts me as I am, he does not judge me for my beliefs or try to change me, even though at times he completely disagrees or misunderstands me. That is what love is, that he accepts me no matter what! And it is not to change me either, he really loves me as I am.

To those who are married or waiting to meet their future spouse, do not make your relationship about beliefs because love is so much more than all of that. Love each other for all that you are, accept each other no matter what, even if they completely offend your beliefs. Don’t let your differences separate you and cause judgment like so much of the world does, celebrate your differences and your disagreements and love each other even more because of who they are and I am sure that you will have a much longer and happier marriage because of it.