On March 5, 2010, I was at a lock-in with my church youth group. The sermon beforehand was very powerful, and there were even some that had gotten saved. After an exciting night, I crashed on the couch in my living room at 6 AM. I slept for a little bit and then woke up about an hour later for some strange reason. One would think I would have completely crashed for about 6 hours, but for some reason, I had gotten an extra wave of energy.

We had been having some cable problems the past few days, so when the phone rang my dad answered it, assuming that it would be the cable company. However, it was the least expected person calling. It was my aunt and uncle's friend that worked in their church's youth ministry with them. She had said that my uncle had passed away in his sleep that morning at age 52.

I remember how numb I had felt when I had first heard my dad say those words before handing the phone over to my mom. My mom talked briefly to the friend and burst into tears as soon as she hung up. It didn't make sense to me. I had just seen Uncle Randy less than 2 months prior to this at Christmas. He had shot my bow and encouraged me in my archery endeavors. He rarely got sick. What was happening?

I still ask that question today whenever I think about it. The viewing and funeral was all a blur to me. It didn't seem right at all, but it was exactly what God wanted. I remember he would call my mom every Sunday evening and they would talk for a good hour. I often talked to him as well, and I appreciated the way he took interest in my life despite living in Pittsburgh. It was also nice to see how close he was to my mom. My brother and I have gotten a lot closer in the past few years. I've always thought it was because we have both moved away from home. Now I wonder if the seed was planted when our mother lost her only sibling and reality set in.

He died when I was 14, and a lot has happened in my life that he missed out on. I often wondered how things would have been different had he lived. What would have my high school graduation been like? He would have been there but would I have felt any different? He always teased me about boys. What would he have said about my first boyfriend? I wished I had worn my hair up more often while he was alive because I wish now that I would have let him use my ponytail as a "handle" more often. What would his opinion be of me graduating college? Going to graduate school? So many questions with no answers.

Through the past 8 years, I've learned to find comfort in not knowing answers. Part of that comfort is knowing that I will understand one day, even though it won't matter then why things played out the way they did. I've learned that I'm not the most intelligent person in all things, and that's why I can't always give an explanation for everything. That's brought about a realization that I am unable to rely on my own understanding. My understanding is confound to a human mind, which is very small when compared with an almighty God's infinite knowledge.

One of the most quoted Bible verses is Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding." Not relying on my own understanding involves some humbling on my part in how much I think I know. It sometimes takes rough circumstances like this to realize that what I don't know sometimes is greater than what I do know. God's knowledge is not confound like mine is, so I would be foolish to not trust Him even if it doesn't initially make sense.

I still miss Uncle Randy, and I still have questions. Although I have learned the importance of knowing the One with the knowledge. If that's what I needed to get out of it, then I'm glad everything has played out like it has. I'm grateful for the 14 years that he was in my life and for everything he taught me both in life and in death.