To the man that broke my heart first,

I don’t hate you anymore, but believe me, I did. I did for a very long time.

I couldn’t understand why a man would walk out on their own child. Why you never tried to even love me.

It took me a long time to be ok with the heartache, the gaping hole in which you somehow made into my life without me even meeting you. It took me a long time to be ok with the fact that I miss you even if I don’t know you at all and it took me a long time to forgive you for leaving me. I realize now that I couldn’t hate you for the man you were, because that’s just it, you weren’t a man then, you were still a boy. You weren’t ready to step up into the shoes of a daddy and luckily for me, someone else was. But just because your absence was filled, doesn't mean you don't come across my mind every day since the day I found out that the man I call dad, isn't the same man that created me.

It amazes me how much you have impacted my life and my decisions, whether that be past, present, or future. Because of you I learned what it's like to have my heart absolutely crushed in a split second. I learned what it's like to have to pick up every broken piece of what is shattered and put it back together myself. I learned to forgive someone even when they aren't sorry. I learned that even the people you think would never walk away, could. I learned a lot of things from a man who has missed out on my entire life, but most of all, I learned the difference between a dad and a father, one who raised me and taught me almost everything I know and one who gave me a nationality and a background. And although I don't want to keep looking for happiness in the same place I lost it, I can't ever help but wonder if every call I've gotten where no one said anything on the other end was you and you were just too scared to say anything. I can't help but wonder if you're ever doing something and I randomly come to mind, if you ever miss me or regret leaving. I wish all the time that you would have given me the chance to prove to you I was worth loving because despite all my flaws, I am.

I hope one day I'll get to meet you and I can ask you all the questions I've been dying to know and even if I don't, I hope you're living a great life and that 20 years later, you've learned to be a dad and not just a father to any other children you may have brought into this world.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was grieve the loss of someone even though they are still alive but because of it I am so much stronger.

So thank you to the man that broke my heart first.

With love,

Your beautiful, smart, loving, funny, and so much more, daughter