During my senior year of high school, I learned that the people you look up to most might not practice what they preach. Many of my friends were a year older than me, and several had gone to college. So, my good friend and I decided to visit one of them at their school two hours away. It had all the ingredients to be a good time: a night away from the parents, a weekend off from work, a bit of a mini road trip, and some great friends reuniting after a month apart. I was looking forward to the trip, and in a million years would never have thought that I could lose respect for both of them in one night.

The trip there was as fun as I expected, and arriving was completely blissful. There was a lot to catch up on, jokes to exchange, stories to swap. We all knew each other's families fairly well, so the news of extended families came about as well. After a few games of “Cards Against Humanity” and “Would You Rather” we turned to the subject that was still my reality: high school. After reliving some glory days, we started reliving the drama. After the short amount of time they’d been gone, most things already seemed laughable. There was only one subject that the the two of them still got riled up about.

See, when we had hung out with our “group” in high school, the cast of characters included a boy, whom my collegiate friend had been in unrequited love with since seventh grade, and a girl, whom my good friend had had a huge crush on during their last year in school together. At some point midway through high school, this boy and girl had a “thing.” They never officially dated for various reasons (including the fact that it would have made the collegiate friend furious), but they did various other friends. Because the girl needed someone to talk to at times, she would come to me. Neither one of them was ever pressured. They talked about everything they were going to do beforehand, and had much respect for when the other didn’t want to do anything or wanted to stop. Though the whole thing may have been unconventional, it was in no way unhealthy.

I met many of my friends in high school via our school’s alliance. While the alliance was a GSA that promoted love equality and started gender neutral bathrooms amongst other things, it also focused on the importance of consent and gender equality. When this couple came up at our college sleepover, my friends wouldn’t stop talking about how horrible the whole situation had been. Though, they did not use any explicitly derogatory terms, they did refer to the girl as a “terrible person” and the whole situation as “disgusting”. This was coming from people I had set next to at a Gloria Steinem event. I had never been more disappointed in people I had at one point looked up to.

My collegiate friend felt betrayed by these two people, and I did understand that. The whole thing could have been handled much better. They should have told that friend, since they ended up finding out anyway. But even so, the blame did not belong with JUST the girl, or JUST the boy. Both of my friends seemed to think the whole thing was the girl’s fault. All of our lectures about what made anything healthy went out the window, because they were both far too emotionally charged.

After this experience, I drifted apart from my college friend, and, although I could forgive my good friend if they asked for forgiveness, I will never forgot a word. I learned some important things that night, but the most important was when to hold my tongue. Part of our activism was speaking out, but that night I realized that I needed to remember the jury rules before launching into any argument.

When someone is called to jury duty they occasionally have to be screened. For example: If the case involves an abused eight-year-old, an elementary school teacher can’t be on the jury. It’s a very reasonable regulation. I’ve learned that when certain issues hit too close to home they are not safe for me to comment on, as my emotions will force me to objectify people who are innocent. Although hearing people I respected trash talk a girl who had done nothing wrong was a horrible experience, I’m glad I had it to recognize that sometimes, it’s best to not say anything to remain true to your morals.