I used to hate myself.
Clearly I’m not one for subtlety but I’m also not one for lying either.
My hatred for myself wasn’t extremely evident, but boy was it there. If you met me on the street and didn’t know any better you’d think that I was just living my best life. I appeared happy, somehow convincing everyone that I was great and had my life together but for some reason I couldn’t quite convince myself.
When I say that my inner distaste for myself comendeered most of my life, it isn’t an exaggeration. It disguised itself as self destructive behavior, self deprecating humor, and doubt. A whole lot of doubt. Every move I made was questioned.
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING I did had any sliver of confidence behind it. How can you confidently walk through life when you think you’re a terrible human being who’s amounting to nothing? How can you raise your hand in class to ask a question when you think you’re an idiot and everyone around you thinks the same? How do you love another human being when you don’t even love the most important human being in your life?: You.
The answer is you don’t. Your self hatred is holding you back in every area of your life. When you come to this realization, you can begin to love yourself.
At this point in my life, at 20 yeas old, I can confidentially say that I love myself whole heartedly. It took a lot of work, a lot of lifestyle changes, a lot of faking at first and it took a lot of self reflection. I realized that at the end of the day, I am the only true constant variable in my life.
You can break up with people left and right, friendships can and will come to a close. Even with family members, there is always the possibility of some form of falling out. But you will always have yourself, your mind, your soul, and everything that is you. So I made some changes.
If I’m all I have I want to be here for a long time. I found happiness in things that were good for my heart and soul. Removing people and substances that were toxic for my well being, things that were serving as place holders for true happiness. I started working out a lot. My body transformed but so did my mindset.
I began going to church, spending time with people who were good to my soul. I took note of the fact that I was a negative person who treated people poorly. It’s hard to love yourself when that’s who you are. So I changed that aspect of my life. I treated people with the respect that I expected for myself.
When I respected other people, I intern respected myself. When I respected myself, others respected me and when other people respected me I began to feel better about who I was as a person. I found myself feeling proud to be who I was. I didn’t wake up everyday appalled at the negative person I had become who made terrible choices. I instead woke up with a new perspective on life. I woke up ready to help others, ready to or my best foot forward, and ready to make other people feel good. When I made other people happy, it made me happy.
Another major realization that guided me to self love is my body, and all of the amazing things it can do. Rather than looking at myself in a way that was entirely appearance oriented I began to view my body as a machine. Everyday I am capable of waking up and getting myself out of bed. I am capable of hiking, running, taking long walks. I’m capable of driving myself to work. I am capable of doing my very hands-on job with ease. I can write, I can read. I can hug my family and friends. I can digest food and turn it into energy. One day, my body will be able to create a new life and carry it for nine months. I have eyes that have seen some of the most beautiful sights, and a brain that can remember them. I have a mouth that can share my insights on the world. My body is truly a temple.
The tasks we perform on a daily basis should not be taken for granted. Do I have a perfect looking body? Of course not. But why should the way my body LOOKS be the entire basis of my happiness? What about the way my body performs? YOUR body? Is that not worthy of loving? When you take a step back and look at yourself based on what you can DO and not just how you LOOK not only does it give you a different perspective of yourself to love, it motivates you to take better care of your temple. In order to do the amazing things your body does everyday it needs to be taken care of, like any good machine. You body deserves to be loved and nurtured to its fullest potential.
Lastly, on your journey to self love, never base your worth on whether or not someone else is capable of loving you. Base your worth on whether or not YOU are capable of loving you. Base your worth on your ability to love others.
It’s so easy to believe the things that you have been told, or the things that have been implied to you when someone walks out of your life. Be it a friend or a partner, even a family member. Your worth is not a reflection of who has stuck around and who has not. You aren’t unlovable, whether you’ve been left once, twice, or even ten times.
You aren’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea in life, but there’s someone out there who’s taste in tea is exactly what you have to offer. But until then, take care of yourself, learn to be alone. Learn to be your own best friend, learn to love yourself unconditionally. Do the things that make you happy. Love others. Live your best, most happy life and do it alone. And when that moment comes when you find someone worthy of your time, let them add to your happiness. Don’t allow them to be your whole happiness.
We all want a perfect love story, but no one says that your love for yourself can’t be the first and best love story you ever write.