June 17th, 2015

Last night as I laid in bed next to my boyfriend, I felt a sudden discomfort-literally brought on by nothing. It was in the middle of the night, and I just wanted to be held, have my back tickled, and neck kissed. I reached over to gently squeeze his arm-not for any reason in particular other than to say: Hey, I kinda really love you. He leaned over and kissed my shoulder, then turned the other way to fall back asleep. I just laid there patiently, waiting for him to stir a little bit, wake, then roll over to cuddle me. He didn't, but instead burps entirely too loud in his sleep, scaring him awake. I waited until I heard the baby snores escape his mouth that was left widely open-letting me know he was back to a sweet sleep. Then he twitches so hard he kicked my leg (which was entirely too sore after doing lunges). I tried hard in that moment to not laugh and wake him because I knew how hard sleeping was for him lately. I kept thinking about Grey's Anatomy and how everyone wanted that Mer/Der relationship. This was so far from that. The love that my boyfriend and I shared was sometimes ugly. It wasn't like Meredith and Derek, in fact, sometimes it wasn't even close. I struggled admitting that for a really long time, but honestly? I've come to the realization, Love's not always meant to be beautiful.

September 27th, 2015

My boyfriend was really sick last night. His eyes had bags under them that put 10 years on his face. His skin was glistening with sweat that made his already pale skin, look even paler. I rubbed his shoulders as he laid on my lap, shivering from-if I could guess was probably just the flu. He stopped me suddenly and ran into the bathroom. I heard him throw up everything he just ate. It got so bad he could barely breathe in between. I sat behind him as he huddled over the toilet, and rubbed his back until there was nothing left for him to throw up. He looked up finally able to catch his breath with tears filling his eyes. I took the wash rag I had wet for him an hour or so before, and wiped some of the vomit on the side of his mouth, off.

October 28th, 2015

Sometimes I can control my jealously-other times, I struggle. Today was one of those days. It started out as an easy conversation about our past, then turned into wondering thoughts and painful words. I ask about his ex's in hopes to understand where he once was. I envision them as they lay with my boyfriend, the same way I do today, and it starts to become evident how upset I'm making myself. "Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you want to remember girls that I once cared for? I try my best to never think about the ones that use to have you. You do the complete opposite." I thought about his words, but I still couldn't make sense of them. I forced myself to think about his past, so one day-if I was asked-no emotions would take over me. I could simply say: "Yes, I knew of their relationship." I wouldn't automatically revisit a time where the man I loved-may have loved someone else. I wouldn't feel the slightest bit of insecurity, and there would be no jabs of discomfort in my stomach like there were the moments I forced myself to remember. But there always were. I will always find discomfort thinking about his past. When you love someone, every inch of you wants to be enough for every inch of them. Thinking there was ever someone else attempting to do the same thing, brings out the absolute worst in you. No I can't even explain it but I'd cry. I'd scream. I'd pound the floor beneath me, asking myself why this man made me so crazy. The even crazier moments were when he broke down too. We held one another at our ugliest moments.

April 27th, 2016

I woke up in my boyfriend's bed to a text from my dad. "She's not doing too well, can you take off work?" Our family dog randomly got sick. We still to this day don't know why, we just knew something took over her that was too much for her little self to bare. I immediately went to pick her up, and knew as soon as I did, there wasn't much life left for her. She was slowly giving up, and I had to make whatever decision was best for her. I went to the vet by myself that day, and when I came back, I didn't have my dog with me. You see, this was the first death that I ever had to endure with something I was genuinely close to. I got home, and fell to the floor. I cried and cried until I started dry heaving. My boyfriend found me like that. He didn't say a word, but he picked me up in his arms and rocked me until I could breathe again. We stayed like this for hours.

January 8th, 2017

It got to be too much when we moved back home with our parents. There was limited space for us, and we were so restricted to the things we could once do, that we now couldn't. Money was our biggest enemy but most needed friend. "I need to save this much by this time, then we can start looking for houses. Are you able to contribute some as well? We could probably move in even faster?" We made a list of the things we'd need and the money it would cost. We started saying what we shouldn't have bought when money showed up for the two of us, and why it was important to save. We started to get resentful towards one another for the money we spent on purses or car parts. It was such an ugly side to the both of us that I'd be comfortable never seeing again.

There were so many other dates in my journal. Some I reread and laughed because I knew I was on my period, and that poor, but truly amazing soul had to deal with my craziness. Others I read and cried because I remembered the sting of the fight and how it distanced the two of us that night. There were some I skipped over because reading them made me feel embarrassed and ashamed. It was ugly, I was ugly, and he was ugly too.

Then I pulled out my other journal.

This one was for all the beautiful times that you would hear about on T.V. These were some of my favorite memories, and I reread them frequently. There were ones talking about the time he stalked my Pinterest just to make me my favorite pinned craft made out of beautifully stained wood. I went to his home for dinner, just to find him outside putting the finishing touches on it. There were others about the surprise trip he took me on. He never told me where we were going, but we ended up going through 5 different states, just to stay at a beautiful bed and breakfast that I'd come to consider one of my favorite things in the world. We played with baby tigers and he took me zip lining-underground-in a dark cave. This journal always made me smile.

I kept them both because both are love. One isn't any truer than the other. They're honest, real, and perfectly normal. I will not hide this side of my relationship because I'll only be fooling myself. I'm proud of this relationship.This imperfect relationship.

No it's not perfect, and no it's not always beautiful, but it surely is one of a kind.