You were the first one to know me after I had my world shaken. You were my first love.

Before that, you were a guy I met online on this random chat site. I was looking for a friend because I felt so isolated from the people around me. I was alone and that terrified me.

I recall looking at your profile, a little hesitant to send you a message and I don’t know what compelled me to do it in the end. I met you, a standoffish and rude person. Initially, you were dry and sarcastic.

You said it was difficult for you to make friends and I saw why. Nonetheless, I was enthralled which kept me persistent.

A few months went by and our friendship was relatively solid. We spoke every day without fail. We would often talk on the phone for hours. We’d give up our other plans so we could spend more time together.

You were still the person I met, however, I noticed that you were like that towards others. I wasn’t the object of your spite, you treated me well. At the time, it was everything I was looking for.

I remember the day we began to date very clearly. I know it was sometime in the summer, I was at an outing with my family, and we had stopped for ice cream. Of course, I was texting you all day. I was sitting there, eating the strawberry covered vanilla ice cream, and you asked me to be your girlfriend.

I was absolutely ecstatic. If I think hard enough, I vaguely remember the feeling of it.

It was okay for awhile, it was hard since we lived so far apart. You lived in North Carolina and I lived miles away in New Jersey. We suffered a lot due to the distance. We had many arguments but we remained hopeful that one day we would meet and be together for real. I can say that for some time I was happy with you.

Until I wasn’t.

You became bitter and manipulating. You were jealous. You were putting me down because you were afraid of losing me. You treated me as carelessly as you treated everyone else.

Eventually, we broke it off. We stopped dating but it didn’t keep us from talking. I knew I would lose more than I was willing to if I stopped speaking you altogether.

A few months later we reconciled and we began to date once again. This on and off again process went on until I was fifteen. Each time you felt tired of being with me, you would curse at me, say that I was useless or that you never cared about me. You convinced me that there was something wrong with me. I believed you. was young and I thought that if someone who was so close to me thought that, then it must be true. I let you do it because I believed that was how I should show my love for you. To this day, I still believe some of the things you convinced me of.

It sounds ridiculous now but right before we never spoke again, you spoke with intention of moving here and marrying me. I thought that all the terrible things were worth it because we would spend our lives together. Frankly, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to but it was easier to handle the manipulation than to start all over again.

Years later, I am unsure of why I let this behavior go on for so long. Desperation, maybe. Loneliness, likely.

I remember there was a day we spoke for the final time. I was angry and confused. I wasn’t able to reach you on anything. You blocked ME. Yes, you blocked me after I had held onto our relationship, no matter how sad you made me.

After everything that had happened, I never got any answers. I was never able to say goodbye. I think about you sometimes and I feel such sadness. Sometimes, I wish that I could talk to you. I want to know if you ever did decide to go to college, how your graduation went or if you found someone better. It’s infuriating that I can’t seem to fully let go. Then, I realize that I don’t necessarily miss you, I simply wanted answers.

I wish to keep you in the past because you are a person who belongs there. Nothing good would come from us speaking again. The malicious cycle would only continue and I’d be trapped. I know it’s highly unlikely that you will ever read this, but if you do, I forgive you for all that you did. I forgive you for leaving me without the answers to properly move on. I can thank you because you did teach me what to NOT look for in a person.

Luckily, I found someone who was the answer to all the questions I was left with.