A Love That Makes You Feel Like You’re Dreaming While You’re Awake

A Love That Makes You Feel Like You’re Dreaming While You’re Awake

The past seems so distant, when I'm with you.

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These last few months have gone by in a flash. Everything is moving so rapidly. Everything is new. Everything is lovely, and precious, and beautiful, and genuine, and just... new. It's like being in a dream that you've dreamt so, so many times. A dream that you've waited for. A dream that you've laid your head on your pillow so many times for, that you've closed your eyes earlier than you need to for because it's just way too good of a dream.

Then suddenly, it's real. Suddenly it's no longer a fantasy. Suddenly it's you. You're here. You're standing in front of me, and you're everything that I've ever, ever needed, and wanted, and somehow I just wasn't ready. My breath gets taken away each day because I can't comprehend that I don't have to go to sleep to be in that beautiful dream anymore; it's my reality.

You have undoubtedly changed everything in my life. The past seems so distant when I'm with you. I can almost pretend I'm someone else. I don't have to remember the bad and not even the good, I just have to focus on the future. Focus on you. There are so many things that I fear. I fear that I'll mess up. I fear that you'll realize you don't want me. I fear that each minute is moving way too fast, and I won't get nearly enough time with you. I fear that I'll lose you somehow before I can even blink. But then, I have to sit for a moment. I have to gather my thoughts and remember who you are.

I have to remember who we are. We are unstoppable. We are everything. We are love. We are that dream that people don't want to wake up from. Whenever that sudden panic passes through my mind, I'm going to remember who we are. I'm going to remember how you have given me, everything, even if it means that you will have nothing. I'm going to remember how happy your smile makes me. I'm going to remember how the dumbest, and dorkiest moments, are the funniest. I'm going to remember the kaleidoscope of emotions that hit me every day when I look at you. I'm going to remember, how you treat me like I'm the most fragile creature on the planet like I need extra care.

I'm going to remember how you put me first, no matter what. I'm going to remember you, and then it'll all be okay.

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To The Boy I Almost Fell In Love With, We Weren't Ready For Each Other

I don't think we were ready to be what we wanted to be for each other.

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Hey you,

Look who's showing affection now.

I know you've been wondering if I'd mention you. I didn't think I would, period. Not this soon, that's for sure.

I'll start by saying neither of us meant for each other to play even a little bit of a role in each other's lives. Not as meaningful as we did, at least.

But no matter how unsure I was, no matter how many times I wanted to block you and leave everything unsaid, I couldn't help fighting through it just to know you.

The time we spent together never felt like enough. And I can't even speak in past tense because you're still here sometimes. Like when I think of your smile and how every part of me craved and waited anxiously for it to make an appearance, especially if it was because of me.

I used to think of it more, back when I thought you'd realize you made a mistake. Back when I thought we'd pick up where we left off.

I knew when I met you I wanted to show you every side of me. But what caught me by surprise, just like most things about you did, is that every time a layer of mine shed, yours did as well.

There are pieces of me, naked and raw. Physically and emotionally, locked away in your brain that nobody else will ever see. At least not in the way you did.

The purpose you had in my life was slight, in the long run. But regardless, you had a purpose and I want you to know that. I forgive you. I hope you know that me, out of all people, knows we can't control ourselves sometimes. Sometimes, we fuck up. Most of the time, it makes no fucking sense. All of the time, we'll try to figure it out and never will.

I don't think I'm falling in love with you anymore.

I'm sorry for saying I've never felt that way before about anyone, that was a lie.

I'm also sorry for being 8 shots deep when I said it.

That morning, I wanted us to cross paths again. I didn't think for a second you'd ever make me an option. I kinda thought I was your exception, your "just this once" because that's what you were to me.

This morning, I'm not sure we serve a purpose in each others lives. Not yet at least. Or ever for that matter. I don't think we were ready to be what we wanted to be for each other. And because I don't wanna reach out to you personally, I want you to know that I can't wait to see both of our many dreams come true.

I'm thankful for all of the little trips we took, stories and giggles shared, secrets whispered, ideas we cultivated, heart palpitations, and everything in between.

I won't forget.

I also won't cowardly push it away, like you're doing.

I don't blame timing, the universe, karma or any of that bullshit for the way things turned out.

At least on my end, I knew when I met you it wasn't forever. I think at the end of the day we both knew we were going to be the inspiration we needed to keep moving forward. Maybe a little more inspiration than we bargained for.

And maybe a little more forward than we bargained for, too.

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How College Changed My Relationships

Living three and a half hours home isn't always easy, a lot has changed.

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At eighteen years old I was still young and naive about leaving home. Athens, Ohio was going to be this wonderful place where I always had a good time and I would be unstoppable. Literally, unstoppable. How could anyone tell me what to do in my own dorm? That was my space... DUH. I have family in both Pennsylvania and Michigan so going to school seemed like no big deal to me. My mom and dad always packed us in the car to see family, to me three and a half hours didn't seem too far. Along with changes within myself, many personal relationships changed as well over the course of this year.

Mom, my number one fan and my gossip buddy was hours away from me! Of course, we talk on the phone, shoot each other texts and silly screenshots, but it's not the same. It can be difficult to maintain that "close as can be" relationship over the phone. I wouldn't consider myself to have gotten homesick until very far into the semester. There is nothing like your mom taking care of you when you're sick! Our time apart has only made our time spent together more special, our laughs a little louder, and our hugs a little tighter.

Ryan, leaving your BEST FRIEND behind made making new friends a little awkward. I felt like I was cheating on our friendship, we literally have tattoos for each other and now we have to make new best friends?!?! Our contact with each other would decrease and pick back up when one of us had something juicy to talk about. She was busy with school and soccer, and I with school and friends here. At the end of the day, we always knew we had each other back through thick and thin, that's how best friends are. We could understand that every minute we had couldn't be spent on the phone finding out what was going on hours away. I have to tell you though, there are always a few tears saying see you soon when we head back to school.

Tyler, going into college in a relationship was definitely a difficult road ahead for the two of us, but we cared enough for each other to take on that road together. The first ten months of our relationship were spent within 20 minutes of each other and most of those ten months we were by each other's side. By no means was it easy to not see you every day when had the freedom to do so over summer. As the months passed, times got easier and harder and we are still figuring out how to make the distance work. It's a whole different level of effort with a significant other. I hope for better and easier times, only the happiest future.

God, coming to school I wanted to reconnect with God and become more spiritual. I had looked at some options on campus but didn't make the time needed for the one person I should have. I regret this decision the most, which I rarely regret in life. College feels like I'm moving 100 miles an hour and I can't catch a break. There is a heavyweight I cannot lift on my own and the only guidance I can ask for at this moment is yours. I know that my change in relationship with you is the answer.

At the end of the day, I'm thankful for all this year has brought me. With summer coming I hope to spend quality time with those I love and let them know how much I appreciate them.

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