You know, I really thought that once I shot my shot, things would be different. LMAO WAS I WRONG ABOUT THAT. I mean, I shouldn't have just assumed that things would be automatically different and he'd fall in love with me; shoot, that's crazy. But I was hoping that he would have been flattered enough to see that a really cute girl like myself thinks a guy like him is super cute, If this situation was flipped, I would be hella flattered. I should have known better; I can't believe I actually thought this time would be different than the other times. I just don't think I could ever let this go.
Most people I talked to tell me that "Boys love that confidence shit" and to "Go for it because YOLO." I should have never listened. It's not like I struck out or anything; I still am talking to him, but God knows for how much longer. Excuse me for being cheesy, I do realize I'm only 18 and almost 19, but I think I found the guy I want to be my first boyfriend and I'd do whatever I can do to make this happen. Also, before anyone says anything like, "Just leave him be, he doesn't like you" or something along those lines, that statement is far from the truth. He does in fact have an interest in me and would love to get to know me better but the distance we have between is the key factor as to why I still haven't met the guy.
It just feels like I'll never find anyone. If I'm struggling so much now, I'm starting to question what's going to happy in the future. I stopped looking a long time ago and wanted to focus on myself but that's exactly when he fell into my lap. Everyone always says, the moment you stop looking is when someone will "run into you." Well, here I am, and I can't seem to move on even though we've talked on and off. I wish he lived closer and I wish I never met him. This is the main reason I start to question if "love" even exists, it seems like everyone these days is in a relationship with someone or even talking to someone in hopes of a romance blooming, and here's single old me sitting and listening to love songs and dreaming of the moment I meet my prince charming. I'm such a hopeless romantic, which attributes to me questioning love and if I'll ever find it or even come across it.
It doesn't just have to be love from a boyfriend or something, it can be from my parents and friends, too. Sometimes I can't help but think that they don't love me even though I know they do and I'm crazy for even thinking that they hate me. It's just the dark place my mind takes me to and there's no escape once I'm in there. I should probably just focus on myself, but that's so hard when you're working or out somewhere and a cute guy is around and you can't help but swoon. Or if they call you cute, you literally melt inside. Is that just me or does everyone feel the same way? Asking for a friend. Every time this boy says I'm cute I literally start to hyperventilate and I need to go and take a breather and come back and reply. I'm not used to these kinds of comments coming from the male species except for my dad, but that's my dad. All my friends tell me I'm pretty and what not and I believe them (LMAO for the most part until I look in the mirror and I'm like ew who is that) and I feel confident, but there's a different type of confidence that comes when a boy you think is cute calls you cute and you're left feeling a type of way. Ya feel me?
But seriously though, can someone please tell me what love is? I have two (I'm probably going to make a third) playlists on Spotify called "What is Love?" and "What is Love? Part II" with songs reminding me of the guys who broke my heart before I even legitimately gave it to them.