I remember looking in the mirror and gawking at who was staring back at me. “Is this really who you wish to be? Is that seriously who you are?” I stared at my reflection and it was as if someone had taken a sharpie and wrote words all over my face.
Burden, unworthy, idiot, annoying. Things like loud, rude, unkind, ugly, unwanted, unneeded, shallow, a mistake. Things no one was actually saying about me but things that I thought described me, things that I thought people felt about me.
I looked into my eyes to see what was inside and it made me want to cry. My heart, heavy, seemed to be black as coal. I did not see a single ounce of good in myself. Not in my appearance, not in my heart.
I didn’t like who I was. I hated who I had become. I had absolutely no grace for myself. All that I saw when I looked at myself, was a walking mistake. I had fallen so far from God, I forgot who I was. All of the things that made me a decent human being, I couldn’t name one.
I remember shutting down whenever I talked about who I’d become or who I really was. I thought that there was nothing anyone could say to change the way I saw myself, I thought there was nothing bad someone could say about me that I didn’t already know. I felt as though I was the definition of ugly.
I had fought this battle far too many times before. I knew I wasn’t all the things the enemy was saying about me, but I wasn’t the greatest I could be. I had lost myself and the first step I took to find the soul encased in this body was to write all the things I knew to be true, starting with my name, grade, age, gender, all the things that were not arguable.
I can’t tell you what came next. I drifted so far that I wasn’t going to return right away but if there was one thing I knew, it was that I was not going to come back the same. I would come back a new person.
I can’t say I am done, I have not returned, and I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t think I’ll ever be done changing, growing, discovering who I am. I can only hold on to the things that I have known to be true no matter what I go through. The one thing I have come to know is true no matter the circumstance is that I am God’s child and he is living in me.
God is not ugly or shallow. Because God is living in me, I am not unwanted, I am worthy, I am not a mistake, I am made in the image of God. I am loved, beautiful, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a child of God, I am his creation. Ephesians, chapter 2, verse 19 through 22 says, "whenever you feel unloved, unimportant or insecure, remember to whom you belong."
I haven’t let that verse go since I found it. God made me who I am and all these things I’m going through will only bring me closer to Him. The things that are going on around me and in me happen to show me the glory of God.
No matter how low I feel, no matter what mountains I face, I know that even though I think everything is falling apart, Gods plan is coming together.
My youth pastor always told us that the best is yet to come. When the answer is no, the answer isn’t just no; it's no, just wait to see what I have for you, it’s better than what you could ever imagine. The best is yet to come.