Going to college with your best friend can be a dream come true.

Sometimes it can be a total disaster. I experienced both of these things. I went to college with my two favorite people in the whole world. I was so excited to get to experience the college life with them. One was my roommate and the other lived in another dorm on campus. We all had math class together our first semester, it was going to be great.

Clearly, we know that it wasn't great.

My roommate best friend is still my best friend and still one of the best human beings to be in my life. She's the light of my life. The other one, we fought, for months. From September to January/February we were not saying the nicest things. By November though, we knew we weren't friends. But what even happened?

To preface, I don't hate him. He thinks I do, but I still love him with all my heart.

I've always been a very studious and responsible person, always going to class, getting all As, getting involved, and never getting into trouble. He was trouble. Sometimes I think he needs a big warning label. We were night and day, and honestly some days I didn't understand how we were best friends, but we loved each other so much. Sometimes it was all we had in common. He isn't studious, he hates school and gets into trouble at times. He's stubborn, angry, and rebellious. Our differences we could've dealt with but we didn't deal with them right at all. For both being Communication majors, we had some communication problems. He's got a big heart but doesn't always know how to use it.

We were both dealing with some issues at the time.

He was having relationship issues and possibly more, and I was trying to deal with the transition of college (I do not handle change well at all) and still going through the grieving process over a passed loved one. We weren't in the best mental health states which contributed to our falling, but there were a number of things.

We never hung out, never.

That was my first problem that I was upset with. We never spent time together, we would talk about it, and it would never happen. When I would go to his dorm he would leave me in his dorm alone. If we made any plans at all, our plans got canceled. He would constantly back out of things and flake on me. I felt betrayed because he put everyone else before me. I felt like I wasn't cool enough to hang out with because I didn't do the things he did. I felt so lame and annoying like I wasn't good enough to give the time of day. He stopped showing up to class, was failing pretty badly, and the same went for his other classes. He had previously asked me to help him with school, and when I tried to, he resisted me.

He wouldn't let me help him.

He was getting into more trouble, failing classes, and wouldn't talk to me about things because of his stubbornness and secrecy. It was damaging to me to try so hard to someone who pushed me away and was destroying himself. It hurts watching someone you love become darker and push you.So, for months I was back and forth with him. It was wrong to be so rude in that manner where I didn't know where I wanted to be friends or not. I pushed him, too, and was becoming destructive of myself. I felt so much guilt for leaving in a time of need, but I was rapidly declining in mental health. We fought, every conversation was awkward and unpleasant.

We weren't ourselves, we changed, and we weren't growing together.

Our loving caring open friendship was dying. We ended it. We fought. We chatted every now and then because I had a terrible time walking away. But in the end, I still had lost my best friend.

It was the right decision because from what I know now he's passing classes, at least I think. My mental health got a bit better and I got more involved. Now I'm making some moves, getting leadership positions on campus, and I get out of bed on the weekends, unlike before.

I made other friends, yes, but it wasn't the same.

They are amazing humans and I love them, they bring sunshine to my life. But, it still isn't the same. Some days I feel like I have no one at all. I don't text anyone all day every day talking about everything and anything like I used to before. I don't go to anyone when I'm crying or anxious. I am learning to deal with things on my own. It is very difficult, and I miss him a lot of the time. I feel a hole where my best friend used to be. I cry a few times each week mourning the loss of us, but I know that we're better off this way. I need to be independent.

We were toxic to each other.

In many ways we both need to grow before we rekindle a friendship. Maybe one day in some years we'll run into each other some time and that connection will still be there. I see him on campus a lot now, however, it just makes me anxious and cry. I can't imagine him being gone from my life forever, but they say if you love something let it go. I was not my best version of myself. Sometimes I still get angry about all the times I felt hurt by things he did and said. I feel terrible for the way I acted, I was a bad person. I regret a lot of things, but I don't regret losing the friendship. You can love someone so deeply and it still doesn't mean you're meant to work out.

Don't be afraid of losing people, because what happens has a purpose.

If it's meant to be it will be, and don't hold onto things that cost your peace. Sometimes we have to grow on our own. It isn't easy but it's okay. Nothing in this world is permanent. I'm okay, and you will be, too.