Letter To My Ex Best Friend

To The Best Friend I Lost Because I Didn't Take Her Side

I should have chosen you, but I was too blind to see that the person I chose was laughing because they finally won.

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When it comes to arguments between friends, it's always hard to make a decision on where you stand. Most of the time we avoid having to "pick a side" so that we don't lose either party in our lives, but sometimes we act without thinking and then regret it later on.

What's harder than picking a side between two friends is picking a side between your friend and your significant other, and I wish I had never been put in that position pretty much every day.

I know throughout a lot of our friendship we were never extremely close. We'd go through periods where we would be around each other consistently, and then we'd go through periods where we'd barely talk to each other.

Through it all, though, I knew you were someone I could call a friend no matter what.

I can't remember how things went down exactly, and maybe that's for the better. I don't know the words said or the way that they reflected every hidden and buried emotion I'd ever felt from every small, insignificant argument.

What I do remember is how I was looking for a way out. Not because I was tired of our friendship, or because I didn't want it anymore, but because it was becoming exhausting seeing the person who was supposed to love me more than anything try to turn me against someone who had always been good to me.

I never said anything about it, because it really wasn't my place to (or so I thought.) Your friendship with him was a good one, and I knew that you appreciated it and cared for him in a way that I only wished you'd care for me.

There were times where I felt jealous of how close the two of you became because I always regarded you as my friend and it seemed like you were becoming his friend more and more with each passing day.

Maybe that's why I kept my mouth shut when he would make small remarks to me behind your back. Maybe I was trying to convince myself that meant our friendship was eons more important than yours and his because I could never say what he would say.

Regardless, it slowly but surely got to be too much for me to handle anymore, and I guess that's what made me act the way that I did,

When you fought with him, I didn't expect to be put in the middle. I didn't expect the fight to last, seeing as I thought the two of you were inseparable, and I wasn't trying to burn bridges with anyone over something that would be forgotten within a few days.

However, it didn't take him long to seize the opportunity. It seems he was looking for a reason to finally lead me away from you, from the friendship we'd had for eight years, and control every part of me. If I had been smarter, I wouldn't have allowed it to happen, but I comfort myself by saying we all make mistakes--some worse than others.

We never had a final argument. We didn't say things to each other that were unforgivable and we didn't get to see one another sink so low by digging up all the secrets we'd held over the years. Sadly, that fell on someone else, another friend who was only trying to defend me from what was allegedly happening (according to my S.O. at the time) and I can say with 100% certainty that I was the reason your friendship with her ended.

I don't think I've ever said it, but I'm sorry about that, too.

What we did have was a clean break. We cut each other off and we didn't look back. You moved on with your friends, living your life, and I did the same. Sometimes I would get the urge to talk to you again, to mend things, but I knew it was pointless because of everything that had happened, so I put it off.

By the time I finally swallowed my pride and made the first move, too much time had passed for it to be repaired as if nothing had occurred, and that's another mistake I made.

I think the hardest part of losing you wasn't the fact that you weren't around anymore, seeing as we had barely seen each other since we both walked that stage together. It was the fact that someone who had been a part of my life for almost a decade suddenly wasn't anymore. It was the fact that all of the memories we made together were suddenly bittersweet, and that going forward, I wouldn't be able to talk about the good old days without remembering why they came to an end.

Even harder was when my toxic and doomed-from-the-start relationship came to a permanent end and I didn't have you to talk to. You had always got me through the hard times with him, talked me down from some of my saddest highs, and it was lonely to go through it without you.

Once I made it through that time of my life, of which I am so grateful to have gotten over and been able to grow from, I couldn't help but wonder if there was a chance we'd ever be friends again.

I knew it was a long shot, and I knew I had to keep my expectations low so I wouldn't be disappointed if you wanted nothing to do with me (let's face it, I wouldn't either) but I tried anyway. And now that we're at a good place, with everything that happened put behind us and moving forward with whatever friendship we've been able to create, I'm thankful that I did.

I know we're never going to get the friendship that we once had back. Any chance of that happening faded in the time it took me to apologize with my tail between my legs and I have accepted it. But I also know that friendships like ours, they're not ever completely erased.

Because even when we weren't speaking, when everything was at its worst and when I didn't think we'd ever go back to a time when it wasn't, I was never able to pretend you didn't exist.

Much like the graffiti marks you left on my bedroom wall the day of our senior prom, some things don't come out even when they're scrubbed and scrubbed forcefully.

I think that's why we've been able to be OK now. And even though things will always be semi-awkward and we'll always be sort-of distant, your presence in my life, past and present, is as vivid as the colors on my wall.

And for that, I am thankful.

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I'm The Girl Without A 'Friend Group'

And here's why I'm OK with it

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Little things remind me all the time.

For example, I'll be sitting in the lounge with the people on my floor, just talking about how everyone's days went. Someone will turn to someone else and ask something along the lines of, "When are we going to so-and-so's place tonight?" Sometimes it'll even be, "Are you ready to go to so-and-so's place now? Okay, we'll see you later, Taylor!"

It's little things like that, little things that remind me I don't have a "friend group." And it's been like that forever. I don't have the same people to keep me company 24 hours of the day, the same people to do absolutely everything with, and the same people to cling to like glue. I don't have a whole cast of characters to entertain me and care for me and support me. Sometimes, especially when it feels obvious to me, not having a "friend group" makes me feel like a waste of space. If I don't have more friends than I can count, what's the point in trying to make friends at all?

I can tell you that there is a point. As a matter of fact, just because I don't have a close-knit clique doesn't mean I don't have any friends. The friends I have come from all different walks of life, some are from my town back home and some are from across the country. I've known some of my friends for years, and others I've only known for a few months. It doesn't really matter where they come from, though. What matters is that the friends I have all entertain me, care for me, and support me. Just because I'm not in that "friend group" with all of them together doesn't mean that we can't be friends to each other.

Still, I hate avoiding sticking myself in a box, and I'm not afraid to seek out friendships. I've noticed that a lot of the people I see who consider themselves to be in a "friend group" don't really venture outside the pack very often. I've never had a pack to venture outside of, so I don't mind reaching out to new people whenever.

I'm not going to lie, when I hear people talking about all the fun they're going to have with their "friend group" over the weekend, part of me wishes I could be included in something like that. I do sometimes want to have the personality type that allows me to mesh perfectly into a clique. I couldn't tell you what it is about me, but there is some part of me that just happens to function better one-on-one with people.

I hated it all my life up until very recently, and that's because I've finally learned that not having a "friend group" is never going to be the same as not having friends.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who Float Between Friend Groups

Cover Image Credit: wordpress.com

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16 Things To Expect When You Date A Catholic Woman

She may be a little naughty.

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So you've met an amazing young woman and she's let you know something very important to her, she's Catholic. Now you may be conflicted about what to do, especially if you're not of the same faith or if you don't really have a faith at all. Well let me tell you, not to be scared,

Catholic women are kind, funloving, and overall tend to enjoy life. Depending on the woman or her intensity, don't worry about her forcing her religion upon you. It's a stereotype.

Here is a list of things that you may experience if you decide to pursue this Catholic woman.

1. Church before dates

She may ask you to come to mass with her on a Saturday or Sunday before hanging out. Don't be afraid of this. Even if you are not Catholic, you can still go just to be with her. Nobody is going to be judging you, and if they do, she will 100% stand up for you.

So relax, and appreciate that she loves you so much that she wants to share one of the most important things to her with you. She will appreciate you so much more if you respect her religion and are willing to go to mass just to be with her.

2. She respects her body

And you should too! Not all Catholic women believe in saving themselves for marriage, but a lot do. However, they do respect their bodies and will set boundaries which you should of course follow.

If you can't respect her boundaries or her choice of saving herself then you should not be dating a Catholic woman.

3. Her family and friends mean the world to her

If you don't like her friends or family, the chances of her breaking up with you are very high. So, as every good boyfriend should do, ALWAYS respect her family and, even if you don't get along with them, her friends.

Don't ask her to stop hanging out with them. She'll also appreciate it if you would hang out with her and them on occasion, so buck it up and have a good time.

4. She is loyal to a fault

A Catholic woman is usually in it for the long run. She is looking to grow in every relationship and she's looking for someone to grow with. The chances of her cheating on you are very low, just as low as the chances of her giving you a second chance if you cheat on her.

Yes, the Catholic church teaches forgiveness. She may, just maybe forgive you, but there's no chance that she'll take you back.

5. She will be praying for you and encouraging you to pray

Most Catholic women today will not force their religion upon you. They'll respect your beliefs if you respect theirs. However, don't be shocked if she suggests praying about something or says that she'll pray about it for you.

She has your best intentions in mind so do not blow up about it or get into a 3-hour debate about God not existing. It's just a comment we make.

6. Divorce scares her

It's something most Catholic women are afraid of. They're looking for their soul mate because they believe in soul mates. It's also very tricky in her eyes, because traditionally unless the marriage is annulled she can't date or remarry again. It all depends on the girl and her belief.

So, if you're not 100% serious about a long-lasting marriage it may be something to talk about.

7. She may want a big family

It's a very popular stereotype that all Catholics have large families. My parents only have my two sisters and me, which is usually the number of kids a Catholic woman wants.

However, some girls do want a large family, not even just Catholic women. So, once again, it may be something that you want to talk about. If you don't want kids, she may not be the girl for you.

8. She loves to talk about the future

As I've mentioned, its always best to talk. She may ask you questions like: How many kids do you want? What are your feelings about me working? Would you ever consider becoming Catholic?

Don't let her questions scare you! They may be some pretty big ones, but just answer honestly and be open minded.

And a side note, the Catholic religion teaches that any children that come from the marriage should be raised in the Catholic faith. Do not freak if she asks for your feelings about that, and once again be open-minded, her faith means the world to her.

9. She'll always love God above all things

Don't be jealous. She's not going to cheat on you with God. But her relationship with God is everything to her. She loves Him above even her family, know that and respect that.

10. She may tell you all about her favorite saints

Mine is St. Joan d'Arc and I LOVE to tell her story and brag about her being my confirmation saint. We grew up with these stories. They're like our fairy tales, so just listen and don't complain.

11. She may be a little naughty

Catholic women have grown up with a lot of rights and wrongs. Who likes being told what to do? Because of this, Catholic women can tend to push the limits of what they believe is right and wrong.

Don't be surprised if she wants to be mischievous or try something new. Once again, just respect her boundaries. No means no.

12. Holidays are really important to her

Christmas is exciting for her not only because she gets to give presents to everyone she loves but also because it's when Jesus was born to SAVE THE WORLD!!

Easter season is important to her because its when Jesus SAVED THE WORLD and showed all his awesome powers!

Feast days are to be respected and you'll find her at mass.

13. Her favorite TV shows may be all on TV Land

Personally, I also like "Doctor Who," "Supernatural," "Sherlock," "Stranger Things," "Game of Thrones" etc. But you will also catch me re-watching "I Love Lucy," "I Dream of Jeanie," and these other 13 shows.

14. Her dream vacation is somewhere in Europe

Soooo many gorgeous cathedrals and religious destinations and relics. Rome is definitely one of the cities on her bucket list.

15. She will love you unconditionally

If you have the opportunity to love and be loved by a strong Catholic woman, there will be no greater love you can find. All her life she's dreamed of passing on the unconditional love God has for her to someone else.

Don't mistreat her, and don't use her, because she will love you with her whole heart, but if you do, you will not like her angry... because...

16. She is fierce

And she can kick your arse.

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