I don't remember the exact moment I thought there was something wrong with the way I looked.
My mom raised me with that catchphrase I feel like a lot of parents use: everyone comes in different shapes in sizes. I knew there was no one standard of beauty, and yet I still felt like there was a better, prettier, version of myself I just hadn't gotten to.
I was in this weird in between: I didn't hate the way I looked, but I definitely didn't love it.
In my freshman year of college, like most freshmen do, I gained some weight. I was really upset by this, and I kept telling myself over and over again that as soon as I got my weight back to where I was before college, I would be happy.
So, ever the ambitious and determined and very stubborn person that I am, when I moved back home for the summer, I immediately changed the way I was taking care of myself. I was exercising more, eating better, and sleeping more consistently.
Slowly but surely, I started losing the weight I had gained over the school year. And it changed nothing.
I guess some part of me expected a switch to flip once I started losing weight like I'd suddenly forget what self-consciousness ever felt like and I'd love exactly what was staring back at me in the mirror.
What has surprised me is how great I feel. I feel healthier, I feel less stressed, and I feel more energetic.
And although I don't always feel great about how I look, I've been able to completely change the reason why I'm now taking better care of myself.
It's okay for confidence to be inconsistent. There is no wrong or right way to love how you look, and it certainly won't always be easy to do so.
I thought weight loss would be the simple answer to feeling self-conscious, but it wasn't even close: there is no simple answer to feeling self-conscious.
It isn't a problem to be solved; it's just something you learn to fight, and, slowly but very surely, I'm finding new and better ways to do that each and every day.