To Those Who Lost Someone To Suicide
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Health and Wellness

An Open Letter For Those Grieving Someone Who Committed Suicide

It is not your fault.

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girl sitting on cliff
Alesya Sarakhman

I understand the difficulty of holding on to someone you once loved and still do love so very much.

I understand that you are hurting right now more than you thought you'd ever hurt. I understand that you don't understand...maybe you never will. I understand that you are confused.

When someone makes the choice to commit suicide, they are in more pain than they are able to carry.

Maybe they've reached out for help or maybe they never went to counseling. Regardless of their use of resources, their coping mechanisms, social connections, mentors, and friends, they were never enough to satiate the pain grumbling inside of their innermost soul.

They may have even asked for help.

They may have tried to have others see the pain they were going through before they made their final decision. They may have come to class without brushing their hair or changing their clothes. They may have not gone to class at all. They may have had red faces from where their tears feel just ten minutes before they left their rooms for the first time that day.

Something you may be thinking is that their choice was nothing but selfish. You may be thinking that they never thought of you before going through with an ending to their lives that was far too early, in your opinion.

They did think of you.

They thought of you when they fought off their suicidal thoughts for months or even years. They thought of you when they woke up in the morning wanting to die but went to class instead because of all the times you encouraged them. They thought of you when they were huddled into the feedle position at three o'clock in the morning with their freshly made suicide note lying right next to them, but they never went through with it.

The pain you're going through has to be difficult.

It has to be absolutely earth-shattering to lose someone who shouldn't have been lost so soon. Nevertheless, the pain that person was going through was too much...much more than can be imagined unless you're in that situation yourself.

That person may have been struggling with things they could never tell anyone.

They may have been wondering what their gender identity or sexuality was. They may have been cutting or drowning themselves in alcohol. They may have been failing in school and thus failing in life.

Their parents may have wanted something of them that they were never able to give.

Their friends may have left their side after their depression isolated them away. Their professors may have given up on them. Their world may have only existed within themselves; they may have really been alone.

You are struggling, too, but I encourage you to think about the pain that they had to have to be able to kill themselves. You have the right to be mad, disappointed, sad, or confused. However, I do think those feelings should be directed more towards the act instead of the person.

Those with mental illness struggles are inhabited by demons that are constantly at war with our minds.

Every day is a constant struggle between letting the demons win or actively fighting them off. After fighting for so long, maybe to them giving up seems like the only option and death is the only thing permanent enough to make sure the pain will stop.

So please. Please don't tarnish the memory of that person by the feeling that they are selfish.

You are grieving the loss of someone you never thought you'd grieve, at least not this soon. My best advice to you is to do the best you can to just let them go. Let their spirit go on and to their final resting place. Let their light shine in your heart, but remember that they're gone.

They may have been smiling and seemingly happier just a week or so before they killed themselves.

This can be confusing for you, I'm sure, but they were only happy because they knew that very soon, their pain would be gone because they would be dead. They were smiling and wanted you thinking they were happier so you didn't suspect anything.

I know you're wondering. Their want to see you? Their messages? Their seemingly unclear "goodbyes"?

Those were all a way to say goodbye to you in a way that ensured they'd be able to die without you stopping them. I understand this could be so confusing and even hurtful to recognize, but it's important in trying to understand and dissect what happened.

They loved you. They cared about you. They wanted the best for you.

But they didn't love themselves, care for themselves, and they didn't want the best for themselves. They've probably thought of dying for quite a long time but something, or maybe nothing, broke them and it had nothing to do with you. It had everything to do with them.

To be clear...they're not coming back. But they are watching over you always.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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