Games

Lucy said it would be a good idea and I believed her.

"Let's play spin the bottle," she cheers, the wine making her louder than usual. So we sit in a circle, cramped together in Ryan and Nick's dorm room. The futon frame is digging into my back, but I sat here on purpose. To get as far away from Ryan as possible. But that also put me directly across from him. Shit.

His eyes are flickering up to mine as he reaches for the empty beer bottle Riley set in the middle of our huddle. I'm looking at my phone, not because I'm nervous or hopeful or terrified, but because I shouldn't care. I don't care. But when a small roar erupts from the cluster, I glance up to see Steph with a satisfied smirk on her face. With a perfected flip of her glossy hair, she crawls into Ryan's lap and I can't look. I'm talking to Lucy, pulling at the stained carpet, taking a gulp of wine, anything to keep from watching him slide his hands into her back pockets.

When it's my turn, I close my eyes as the bottle spins, around and around my head is spinning. I've had a lot to drink. And then it stops. It all stops spinning. I don't know what I was hoping for but the bottle is pointing across the circle and my eyes focus on the lucky winner. Nick.

I don't like the way he kisses. His saliva is dripping, rolling, swirling into my mouth and I want to stop after the fifth second, but rules are rules. I can feel his hands sliding down my back, edging at the hem of my shirt. And then it stops. Ten seconds and Ryan is glaring. Like it's my fault. Like I've done something wrong. I hate that I've done something wrong.

I don't want to play anymore.

TWO YEARS PREVIOUSLY...

Lucy said it would be a good idea and I believed her.

"Let's play spin the bottle," she cheers, the wine making her louder than usual. So we sit in a circle, cramped together in our dorm room.The futon frame is digging into my back but I sat here on purpose. To get as close to Ryan as possible.

His fingertips brush my thigh and I swear they linger for a second as he reaches for the empty beer bottle Riley set in the middle of our huddle. I'm looking at my phone, not because I'm nervous or hopeful or terrified, but because I shouldn't care. I don't care. But when a small roar erupts from the cluster, I glance up to see Rachel with a satisfied smirk on her face. With a perfected flip of her glossy hair, she crawls over to Ryan and he puts his hands out to stop her. "Kayla would kill me if I kissed another girl, so the cheek will have to do."

When it's my turn, I close my eyes as the bottle spins, around and around my head is spinning. I've had a lot to drink. And then it stops. It all stops spinning. I know what I was hoping for and the bottle is pointing almost directly at me and my eyes focus on the lucky winner. Ryan.

Before I can stop myself, my fingers are in his hair and his lips are a breath away from mine. He's smiling. I like the way he kisses. I don't ever want to stop, but rules are rules. A flash of light pulls me away at the third second. Rachel has her phone out, sending a picture to Kayla. Only four seconds and Ryan is glaring. Like it's my fault. Like I've done something wrong. I hate that I've done something wrong.

I don't want to play anymore.

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