National Eating Disorders Awareness Week is the week of being fearless. And my fear is telling people that I am a recovering anorexic.

I know that’s a scary word. Anorexic. And honesty is a scary thing.

I have been struggling with this disorder since I was 16. I am now 21. I only recently started getting help and even went to a treatment center over the summer. I told no one of my eating disorder, afraid of what people would think of me once they knew I had this thing.

Only close friends and family knew what I had been through but it was tough keeping this major part of my life hidden. But I’ve realized that bringing awareness and knowledge to this already secretive illness is needed.

Now, eating disorders are different for everyone but many people believe that eating disorders are all about food. But, for me, that was the last thing it was about. It was about my anxiety, depression, the loneliness I felt, the constant thoughts about school, homework, work, friends, the conversations played over and over and over in my head, and the worrying about everything.

It was exhausting. And I felt as though I couldn’t stop any of it. I had no grasp on my life. The one thing that I could control was what I was eating.

My body became my enemy and I fought it with everything I could. I was angry and hurt from everything I had never addressed throughout my life and in turn, focused all those feelings on myself.

Food consumed my thoughts while everything else seemed to slip away. My friends didn’t seem to matter, I wasn’t doing well in school, and I didn’t really care about any of it. I didn't know who I'd be without it.

But my diet didn't change anything. It didn't help any of the actual issues going on. Not eating just worsened my anxiety and mood. I felt tired and shaky all the time. I was mean to my friends and my grades dropped. The thoughts in my head were all-consuming. And I realized I wasn't in control at all.

I thought I could just ignore my problems or push them away; I even moved 2000 miles away from home just to see if it would change me. I thought I could hide this fight between my mind and me and continue this path of destruction. I didn’t know or care where it would end. I thought that it wasn’t that bad. That it didn’t matter. That I didn’t matter.

I am not saying this to gain empathy or compassion. I am not sharing this for someone to compare or idolize. I am scared to write these words and have it become real. I am terrified that people will see me as the “girl with the eating disorder”. But I am not afraid to bring awareness to a mental illness that ruins little girls, that takes away lives of women and men and makes them into shells.

I am not fearful to tell you that this disorder comes in so many different forms and affects so many different people. And I am not scared to tell you that recovery is hard, it will take time, but so much better than a day not in recovery.

If you are struggling with body image or any type of eating disorder please check out the links below.

Never be afraid to ask for help.

NEDA Helpline: (800)931-2237/ https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline