I love food. I mean who doesn't? It keeps us alive and it just tastes so good. Pizza, fries, hamburgers, pasta, tacos, ice cream, and the list can go on. Food (in my opinion) brings everyone together. Almost everyone I know wants to get food when I hang out with them. Food this and food that. Overall, food is great. However, I ALSO HATE FOOD. It is one of my biggest struggles that causes me major anxiety, stress and a huge headache.

Food is one of my worst enemies. I used to weigh 205 pounds in middle school. I ate whatever I wanted and did not care how much of it I ate. I used to have girls make fun of me at sleep away camp and in school during my teen years. I did not care though. I did not consider myself fat one bit because I was happy. It was when my mom kept nagging me about my weight that she convinced me to join Weight Watchers. It ended up being a great thing that I joined because I lost 65 pounds. Today I weigh around 140 pounds. I was proud of my self for losing so much weight and actually looking better than I was. I do not regret losing weight but it is the biggest struggle for me to maintain my weight and monitor what I eat 24/7. It is an absolute nightmare for me.

Even with the weight I lost some people still made fun of me. In high school I once got called a fat a** in my art class from a girl who in my opinion was really mean and tended to talk about everyone. During high school I did gain about 30 pounds back due to a medication I was on for an illness I have. I looked horrible. My face blew up and my body got bigger. I could not control my weight all because of this medication. After I got off the medication the weight was coming off and I was almost back down to the 65 pounds again that I had originally lost. Even though the medication did make me gain weight, I was eating whatever I wanted again because I was bound to stay the same weight after gaining some back. During that time I was honestly happy being able to eat more of what I wanted again without caring about my weight.

I recently went to visit some friends from college. I had fun but I felt like crap. I could not even enjoy a weekend away without thinking every two seconds about what food I was going to put in my mouth. I was scared to eat "unhealthy." Then after three bad days of eating I was motivated to get back on track. Then the next day was Passover dinner. The crumb cake and noodle pudding came out. So many other delicious things too. And I ate more than I should have. My anxiety about what I ate and what I looked like came into play. Why? Because my fear of gaining weight and looking "fat" scares me.

The best I ever looked was when I weighed a little under 140 pounds and looked more "fit" during some of my college years. I was trying to tone up a bit and eat healthier which made me look fairly decent. However, I may have looked thinner but I was still unhappy. There were times I would not to eat so much in a day and even tried to go through some days without eating. That was not a good idea. Then I graduated college and I was eating more crap than I should have been due to some personal issues, making my body change. I constantly and still have anxiety about every single food I put in my mouth and I hate it. It destroys me and my self esteem. My friends are always wanting to go to half-off apps at restaurants and I hate saying I can not go. I get frustrated too and even cry because while many of my friends are twigs and can eat the nachos and mozzarella sticks with not a care in the world, I cannot even eat a chip without having a crisis and gaining the slightest amount of weight.

I do have portion control issues I will admit and I am usually craving food that I barely try to eat so I can keep a "good" figure. And no matter how much my body changes or if I lose a pound, I am still not satisfied. I hate having to get a salad at TGI Fridays instead of a burger and fries.

I cry a lot because of the way I look and I constantly bug my friends about my appearance. It is not for attention or for people to feel bad for me. I know my friends get annoyed about me always bringing up my weight but they know I struggle about the way I look. People tell me "You look great!" or "You do not need to lose any more weight, you're a twig!" Clearly they see something different than I do. I appreciate the comments but I still am the same person with the same body issues. I hate the stretchmarks I have and the stomach I have. I hate my thighs too. I tried in the past to tone up my body with a trainer. I looked great and did not even realize it until I was looking at photos of me to see the progress I had made. Then depression hit me in some hard moments which made food a comfort. As it always did.

Apparently I am average weight at the moment and I look healthy. But I do not feel healthy nor happy nor average. Trust me, for someone complaining about their weight a lot you would think that I would be at gym 24/7 and eating clean foods. I try to. I go to the gym 6 out of 7 days a week and try to eat lots of protein with my one healthy carb a day. I also try to do a cheat meal once a week which ends up being a cheat day. I do 50 minutes of cardio and different sets of weights everyday (I hate leg day). Even after a day at the gym, I still do not feel great about myself or proud that I went because I did not walk out looking like I have lost ten pounds.

I pressure myself to be thin because of my own perspective of the world, which is my own fault. I feel that many individuals especially guys want pretty and thin women. I know though that is not always the case, but it is what my mind believes. I was never the girl guys hit on in high school. I only started getting asked out when I went to college, but I still was not comfortable dating because of the way I looked.

I want to be a girl who can wear crop tops and actually be confident enough to go up and talk to a guy. I want to be able to fit in any piece of clothing I want without having to struggle for a certain size and thinking I look bad in it. I believe at the end of the day a person should love you for you but I also believe that looking good can help me feel better and boost up my confidence a bit. However, I wish I could get this idea out of my head of the "perfect" look because in reality, you will never look like how you want to be. People say "god made you this way for a reason." In someway I believe that but I always desire to be someone else because I hate my appearance, and it kills me.

So will I ever become happy with my body? I hope I will. But I know that to truly be happy with your body you need to be happy within yourself. Watching what I eat every second of every day and constantly worrying about gaining weight is not the life I wanted. I hope I can continue to work on my body not for anyone else but for me. My biggest hope though is to one day come to terms with my body and love myself as others love me already.