The last few weeks of the term have been rough for me, to say the least. The actual school part wasn’t too difficult; I only had two classes this term and the finals for them were fairly easy. All I had to do was write a paper, and make a Tumblr page for an author I admired; I chose Alice Walker. Walker’s work has always spoken to me as her most famous work, “The Color Purple,” is a staple in my house both book and film. The imagery she evokes is mesmerizing and takes me to new places in my imagination. Re-reading some of her poetry these last few weeks has really help me get through my minefield that has been my mind recently.

A few weeks ago I started seeing things out of the corners of my eyes, black spots and what appeared to be floaters. Initially, I just thought it was my eyes being tired from staring at screens all day long, but I just kept seeing things. As the days went on, I started to hear what I thought were whispers; people calling my name off in the distance, noises in my room in the middle of the night as I slept, and even loud bangs that woke me up in the night. After one night of not being able to sleep at all from hearing and seeing things, trying to keep my mind off of it by watching random videos and movies, I knew something was wrong when in the shower that morning I just started to cry for no reason.

Later that day, I went into the health center on campus and met with a counselor. I began to explain to her what had been going on, how I’d been feeling recently, how I just lost interest in doing things that I enjoyed like writing, and talking to my friends, how I felt like I was just pushing through my days in an endless loop, how I was eating, and eating, and eating. And more than usual. Combined with my complete history that I told her about she just started to stare at me. And for what seemed like hours she began to explain to me what she thought the problem was. And almost as if time began to completely slow down I could see what was happening, she was diagnosing me. All I heard next was something I had heard used for me before, Schizoaffective Disorder. And just then, time started to go forward again, but this time it went extremely fast. All I could think about was what was going to happen next, all the tests I was going to have to go through, all the different doctors I was going to have to see, and on and on and on. I finally came to and she was still rambling on about something at the time I just really didn’t care about. So, I said thank you and just left.

This was something that I heard before associated with me, but never really took seriously because I didn’t fit all of the criteria, but now I do. And all the symptoms that I had and still have fit so neatly into this disorder that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. That night I made an appointment with one of my doctors to start the what I assume to be hectic process of finally figuring out what I have. I also did a lot of research that night which actually seemed to calm me down. I’ve always found comfort in knowing things rather than just having things be up in the air. I also called my mom, immediately started crying, and calmed down again as she started to sing the prayers she sang to me as a child. That night, again I just couldn’t sleep. So I just stayed up again watching movies and videos.

Now, at home for winter break, waiting for that first doctor’s appointment, all I can do is contemplate what’s going to happen next. Am I going to be put on even more medications, am I going to have to go into observation, how is this going to affect work, school? It really is driving me crazy, and making things work. I’ve been trying to use the coping techniques that I’ve been taught since I was young from all of my therapists, some working some not. I’ve been pushing myself to do things that I know make me happy, like watching Mel Brooks movies and listening to music from my childhood but I still hear things in the middle of the night, I still get the feeling as if someone or something is in my room or standing outside my window staring at me while I sleep. And just as I thought I was getting to my breaking point while I was mindlessly sludging through my house, I saw a book from Alice Walker on one of our book shelves, “You Can’t Keep a Good Woman Down”. And beside it, a copy of one of my favorite plays, “for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf”. All I could take this as was some sort of sign; I picked the books up and walked slowly to my room. I stayed up all night reading them. I woke up the next morning with a cool sense of calm surrounding me. I looked down and saw that I left the playbook open. The first line that came to my eyes was “Through my tears I found God, and I loved her fiercely”. I smiled, got out of bed, and got ready for the day. That was a couple of days ago and since then I’ve felt as if everything was going to be alright.