May 26th, 2016 was the day that I lost my dog, Taco. It's been almost a year and it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I had never experienced this loss before and I wish that none of us would have to go through this. When you've had a pet for so long, it's hard to imagine what life would be without them. With his passing, I didn't know how to grieve. I was working and distracting myself from the reality of my feelings. I remember feeling so numb and lost. He was here one day and gone the next. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but sometimes I feel like he wasn't part of my life, like I never got him at all. I know he was real and that I loved him so much, but now that he's been gone, I can't remember what it was like to have him. I use my memories and pictures of him to feel that connection, but if I'm just sitting on my couch, I can't remember what it feels like for him to be laying next to me.

There are some nights where I cry myself to sleep just thinking about him. I replay the scenario over and over again in my head of the night that I found out what happened. I remember he wasn't doing so well that day. He had a seizure, which was the norm for him at this point, and then he came out of it and was fine. He was eating, but you could tell he didn't have a lot of life left in him. His breathing was heavy and he looked so worn out, so we kept him in a play pen where he could rest. I left that night to go out with my friends and I had gotten home pretty late. I had just walked in the door and my parents were standing there in the dark. "Hi mama", my mom said, "We waited up for you. Taco wasn't doing so well and an hour after you left his condition got worse. He was unconscious...". Before my mom continued on with the story I thought she was going to say that he was okay and that he was being watched at the vet's office, but then she continued. "Daddy and I brought him to the vet and by the time we got there it was too late, he took his last breath, and he died in daddy's arms." It took me a second to process what she had just said. My mind went blank and I just dropped to the floor, uncontrollably crying. My other dog, Boo Boo, came running over to me to make sure I was okay and my parents hugged me, also crying.

It hurt. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to sleep. I just wanted it to not be real. I tried to picture how he was in his final moments. Was he scared? Did he feel any pain? I was so upset that I wasn't there, but at the same time I'm not sure if it would've been healthy for me to experience that. My mom told me that Taco held on as long as he could until I left so that I wouldn't have to see him suffer.

The grieving process is a rough one. It's even stilll so hard writing this article, but I know it'll be helpful for me in the long run. I had him for 14.5 and half years, which is a very long time, but it went by so quickly. His passing really taught me that life goes by so fast and to really appreciate what's in front of you and never take it for granted. So with this, I'm learning to appreciate my other dog so much and to give him the same love and attention that Taco had.