"I gotta write this. It's important to me. But maybe I shouldn't because I don't know how to put it all into words."

"What if someone doesn't believe me and thinks I am just a drama queen/weirdo?"

"What if someone uses this as a way to control me and thinks it's funny?"

Those exact three thoughts came to mind immediately when I was about to begin this article, and I think that kind of helps me explain what I am regularly battling. My brain is constantly full of thoughts, worries, and urges. But they are not always thoughts I can "shrug off" and then move on with my life. When a thought comes to my mind, I cannot concentrate on anything else until I figure it out. And the thing is, I rarely can find the solutions that I need at that moment. In order for my brain to move on to something else, I have to convince myself I have it figured out and do something to keep my mind off of any hesitations of returning to that same thought. Because of this, I constantly worry I am making the wrong choices in life or saying the wrong words to others. Concentration in general is almost impossible for me. Even though it's hard to tell by looking at me while I am simply watching a movie or listening to a lecture, my thoughts are emerging to the point where I feel like my brain will eventually explode.

I have to do certain rituals every single day. If I don't step out of bed left foot first, everything is off. I have to wash my hands for 55 seconds because 60 seconds is too long. I count each step I take on the stairs, and I double (or triple) check that my room, house, and car are locked. Everything is organized in my room in such a way that when someone moves something while I am out of the room, I feel incredibly anxious. And most of the time, I don't know what changed, but I know something did and it drives me crazy. I have to feel specific objects around my room a few times a day to make sure everything is in place, and to feel like I have control. There is a specific design and order for everything that I do, and I won't let it go until it is perfect. I can't let it go. I get these urges to do crazy things that I would never ever do, but I analyze if I am capable of actually doing them.

My thoughts get so bad sometimes that I cannot leave my room until I figure out what the place I am going to will be like. I ponder every possibility and situation that may leave me embarrassed or in danger. I am lucky enough to be able to get rid of those thoughts once I actually leave to go somewhere. But until I step foot out of my room and actually go, I think so deeply about the unknown situation lying ahead.

OCD is something that I now understand I have had all my life. Growing up, I wondered if others had to count the amount of times they run their brush through their hair and do the same amount every single day. I always looked around to see if others had to also make sure everything was in alphabetical or ROYGBIV order. It's funny because I am someone who loves change, but I have to stick to a routine for a long period of time until I get tired of it. Then I have to change almost everything about it.

OCD has always been something that I don't talk about much with others. It wasn't until I talked to a psychologist at my school last year that I knew for sure that I had been battling a mental illness. I am a happy extrovert who loves life and spontaneous adventures. I am a "normal" college student and I love to have a good time. But my mind is always going, and there is always something that I am even slightly anxious about in my head. I just have always found it easiest to keep my demanding thoughts inside, and there is no way that I could actually form them all if I wanted to let them all out anyway. I say I have OCD like it's a joke, but it is something that seriously takes over my mind and my actions a large amount of the time. I don't have to wipe my fruit over and over before eating it or wash my hands all day, but I struggle with a different form of OCD.

Even 800 words later, I still feel like I was unable to explain my hidden struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder completely, but it felt good to talk about the deep struggles inside and not just what others see.