I’m social. I like hanging out with my friends, my boyfriends and I like putting myself out there.

I’m smart. I do good in school, I apply myself and I find ways to improve when I don’t do well.

I have a big heart. I love animals, I let people use my shoulder to cry on and I always try to help even when I’m not sure how.

It’s in my nature. I love helping people and I love being social, but there’s something there. It’s always in the back of my head and it won’t leave no matter how happy I may seem.

I believe that I have high-functioning anxiety. I say ‘believe’ because I haven’t been diagnosed yet.

I get anxious for no reason. My palms get sweaty and my heart races. I feel like I can’t stay still. When I get like this, my mood is all over the place. I can’t focus on what I’m doing and sometimes it really sets me back.

What is high-functioning anxiety, you ask?

According to Women’s Health Australia, people who have high-functioning anxiety crave perfection, have controlling behaviors and constantly keep yourself busy.

I strive to be perfect in everything I do, whether that be in school or at my job. I settle for nothing but the best and it lowers my self-esteem when I fail or feel like I have failed and it takes me forever to move past it.

I used to be a rides lead at Six Flags St. Louis, so exhibiting a controlling pattern just seemed normal for me. I was in charge of my crew, I would tell them where to go, when to go on break and when to go home at the end of the night. It was my job to be the boss, and it was very stressful.

My job was stressful because people would be disrespectful, not show up for their shift at all or take longer breaks. It would impact me because my supervisors would get mad at me for it when I had no control over my team. It made me look bad and that is one of the reasons why I no longer work there.

Keeping myself busy is something that I do a lot, whether that be by taking a boatload of classes, hanging out with my boyfriend or just playing computer games, I do it because it keeps me in a positive mood. When I’m in a positive mood, I think happy thoughts and I’m generally an upbeat person who people want to be around, which makes me happy.

As far as getting diagnosed with anxiety, I don’t think it changes anything about me or my routine. A diagnosis is just a name for the symptoms that you’ve been having, it doesn’t define who you are and you shouldn’t let it.

You’re still you on the inside, you just know what’s wrong with you now.

And that, in a nutshell, is what it’s like living with undiagnosed anxiety.