I recently spent time with a close friend. A best friend. A life-long friend. We had a friendship that put Woody and Buzz, Harry and Ron, Kenan and Kel and all of those duos to same. We shared more than memories and fun times. We shared important life experiences and milestones together. Life seemed to always have its way of separating us. We conquered every obstacle and distance that life threw at us though. Until college that is.
I stayed in Pennsylvania for my college education. My friend travelled out of state. Whenever my friend returned home for break, we reconnected as if we never missed a beat. However, with each visit I was greeted with a slightly different change. In my friend’s junior year, I learned my friend dropped out of college. I, constantly being the overachiever, over thinker, and being raised to believe academics were everything, was taken aback, but soon realized and accepted that everyone is different. This change was only the beginning. My friend then moved across the country, where I would only see them during Christmas – all the while my life never stopped and I tried to balance my current and ongoing life with the blast from my past.
It got easier yet harder each time to see my friend go. Sure, they were missed, but I grew used to that friend not being around. Recent visits proved that my friend had some life experiences of their own. I am not one to judge, but seeing effects of the actions are what shook me. My most recent interaction with my best friend in the entire world was nothing more of trying to communicate with an empty shell. Personality changed completely. Rude comments were tossed. Eyes appeared nearly dead and soulless.
I am not here to pass judgment on my friend’s choices or others’ choices that may have walked a similar path. Everyone is different. Everyone walks his or her own path. Everyone is on a different chapter in their life. People change and grow. That’s a beautiful thing in life. It’s just not so beautiful when you objectively see negative changes. My words are not based on science, but in my experiences for what has gotten me through this hard time of grieving the loss of a dear person who is still alive.
This type of grief, where you no longer know or recognize the person, is referred to as “unconventional grief.” I do hope these tips can offer some comfort for anyone else living in a world where someone they love or care about is suffering from addiction, trauma, or mental illness.
1. Try not to cling to the idea of who they were.
Although it is important to remember the good times and how you were, do not cling on to those memories. Do not hang out with that person with the idea of what it used to be. Do not expect everything to go back to the way it was. If it does work out that way, great! The case, however, may very well be that they are not going back any time soon. Clinging to “the good times” will only set yourself up for disappoint and false expectations. It becomes more toxic and dangerous to your well-being. Accept the situation for what it is – and believe me it is easier said than done.
2. Let them live and make their own choices.
Support them in a way you deem appropriate, but ultimately you can not control anyone. You can advise. You can set up a type of intervention. You can do a plethora of things. You can’t control them though. The one thing you can control is your reaction. You can control how you feel – even if it seems like you can’t. You can choose to worry, lose sleep, be a parental or older sibling figure to this person and lecture them, but that only hurts you in the end. Depending on the situation, the person will do what they want to do. You can try to help and offer friendly advice, but my suggestion is to support them when they really are in need. Be there for them when they fall. This may have been the hardest for me to do: sit back and let them make their choices. Karma has a funny way of working things out the way it is meant to be. Don’t give yourself added stress by helping them make decisions. You have your self to worry about. Your own jobs. Your own choices. Your own priorities. Do not add things you can’t control to the list.
3. If they’re being toxic, remove yourself from the situation.
As previously stated, you have your own self and life to consider. It can be a physical draining this person leaves you with or a mental draining. Regardless, you do not need anyone toxic in your life. You are all you have at the end of the day. You need to look out for you, because others are trying to worry about themselves and their well-being. Now, use your judgment of course, but in my situation, after some time hanging out, I needed to leave because the environment became toxic. I was overwhelmed with a sad feeling and noticed a change in energy in the room.
4. Don’t feel guilty for not “saving” them.
This, I believe, is one of the more important tips to remember. You can not “save” anyone or everyone, except yourself. This goes back to you not being able to control others. It is not your fault for the choices others make or what happens to someone else. You can sit there and think, “If I was there, this wouldn’t have happened.” You’re wrong. There is always a choice. People are going to do what they are going to do. It is not fair for you to judge them by your morals or how you were raised and therefore think that they are in need of some type of “saving”. They are going to have their opinions the same way you have yours. Do not feel bad for not “saving” them. Everyone walks their own path.
5. Surround yourself with like-minded people.
This can be a difficult time for you. You are seeing someone you care about completely change – in a negative sense. It is important to look at those in your life that will lift you up and support you. It is not okay to keep these emotions inside or ignore this “unconventional grief.” Make time for those who have always been there and always willing to do whatever it takes to make you smile. I was torn apart with my situation and turned to some of the most caring people. They were the ones who helped me realize the aforementioned tips. They made me smile. They helped me with my grief and I couldn’t be happier because keeping it to myself was destroying me.
I can not reiterate enough that these tips were solely from my experience in my situation. Everyone is different and therefore these tips may not necessarily resonate with you. That’s okay. There is no specific scientific evidence behind these tips. This is just me trying to share what I know and what I feel in the hopes of helping someone else in my position.